Cacophony: Britney Spears vs. Christina Aguilera

These two ladies dominated the 90s, reinventing the sound of pop music and the libidos of middle school boys across the country.  These chicks have a lot in common, and it’s time we found out what would happen if they were matched up head-to-head.  Britney, Christina, it’s on!

Big Breakthrough
Britney had “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” and Christina had “Genie in a Bottle.“  Both songs were considered typical bubblegum pop, so we’re gonna have to use the videos for reference on this one.  Catholic schoolgirl outfits vs. brightly colored cargo pants.  Winner: Britney

Talent
Both Mousketeers, Britney and Christina showed promise as performers.  While Britney was giving handjobs to a fourteen-year-old Justin Timberlake, Christina was actually learning how to sing.  Winner: Christina

Ethnicity/Race
Caucasian vs. Latin (or so she says).  Although Brit had tits, Christina had hips.  Sorry folks, hips don’t lie.  Winner: Christina

Media Coverage
Both “vocalists” have gone through a number of images that have caught the eyes of tabloids and fake news shows (e.g. Inside Edition).  Britney went from being innocent, to sexually innocent, to sexually explicit, to gross, to pregnant, to finally recovering her hotness.  Christina went from innocent to, dirrrty, to a bad Marylin Monroe knock-off.  Due to her recovery and awesome, vag shot circulating around the internet, this distinction is well-earned.  Winner: Britney

Musical/Cultural Impact
All of America was worried when both of these ladies dropped off the map for awhile, so when they came back, we all rejoiced, thus solidifying their pop status.  Britney has been parodied on every late night talk show and even Saturday Night Live.  Christina has been parodied by a dead Marylin Monroe wanting her hairstyle back.  Furthermore, while Christina was being happily married to some producer, Britney was getting railed by inexplicably talented rapper, K-Fed, then divorcing him to hot it up with Paris Hilton. Unfortunately, neither one have really impacted the music world since around 2003, and even then they didn’t do too much damage.  Winner: Britney

And the overall winner is…Britney Spears.  Congrats, Britney, this is way better than any lame ass Grammy.