A Malapropos Romeo

16th century manners. 21st century relationship.

Greetings Lord Capulet. It is I Romeo of the Montague estate. A most blessed evening do I wish upon thee sir. Forgive me for visiting your abode at so late an hour, at seven minutes past 8 o’clock. But I have come to hark upon your daughter, the fair Juliet whose smile doth shine like the stars in Ursa Minor. Oh how she fills me with bountiful joy.

You say she is in the back yard. A thousand thanks do I give thee sir. I shall have you served the finest suckling pig on the glorious day in which Juliet and I shall wed. I do so long for the day when I ask for her hand in marriage and spirit her away to my dwelling upon the hills. For she shalt bear a joyous brood of children, each happy descendants of which you will be most proud.

But alas, I race ahead of myself. To the back yard I flee for the tender affections of fair maiden Juliet.

Juliet, it is I Romeo who has come tonight. Wherefore art thou? I have brought thee hither a dozen roses of the finest selection.

My goodness, I was not aware you had invited guests Juliet. You say you are having a pool party. But my love, is it not breaking into the twilight hours at this very moment? A few more minutes and it shall be past bed time for your fragile female form, especially on this warmest of Friday nights.

And what of your outfit Juliet? Juliet! You are wearing nothing but, but, your undergarments. A bikini, you say? I say it is the devil’s garb, fit only for a strumpet. Never for you, my dear Juliet. How shall you enter the holy rite of motherhood when you have exposed yourself in so degrading a fashion? Where is the beautifully modest Rosella gown I sent to you last month?

But yea, I still do love thee, despite your wayward tendencies, my lovely Juliet. For your sake, I will cover my eyes for the duration of the night. And that goes for the rest of you gentlemen here. You there sir, have you no shame ogling your lustful eyes at every young lady here in this yard? One more look and I shall be forced to defend my ladies’ honor. Again you peek! Sir, you hath offended me. I challenge you to a duel at sunrise tomor—

Juliet, why are you having these brutes carry me off? I must stay to ensure your protection from these loathsome chaps. Open relationship? I know not the phrase of which you speak my dearest. Have you forgotten the words I wrote to you on linen parchment with my finest quill? “But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.”

Juliet! My sweet Juliet! I shall lay at the curb and wait until you have gone off to bed and are safe. Farewell my love, farewell!