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K W Schroeder

Totally True Facts That Don't Need Citations, Vol. II

by K W Schroeder on


1) Most things involving fingernails are bad for your eyes.

2) Anal sex is in fact a safer alternative to smoking.

3) In a study conducted in 2004, it was conclusively shown that no dogs have ever gone to heaven.

4) Red-headed girls are immune to Herpes Simplex Type 2.

5) A slight curve in your penis is readily remedied by a fierce, sudden bend in the opposite direction.

6) The best way to cure a mysterious, potentially life-threatening illness is to ignore it.

7) Or, alternately, to give it to someone else.

8) Broccoli, like babies, does not re-hydrate easily.

9) Legally speaking, it’s only “date rape” if you take her out to dinner first.

10) After decades of exhaustive research, scientists have determined that it hurts to be kicked in the balls.

11) God created modern fraternities for the sole purpose of disproving evolution theories.

12) The only proven method of increasing penis size is lying about it.

13) As a form of birth control, Kirsten Dunst is even more effective than abstinence.

14) Masturbation burns calories; therefore, the addition of it to any other form of exercise can only be beneficial.

15) After further testing, it appears that masturbating while doing a bench press is not beneficial to one’s health.

16) Consuming large amounts of alcohol counteracts the negative physiological effects of illicit drugs.

17) Apparently, the “ten second” rule does not apply to things dropped in a public restroom.

18) “Fisting” is a potentially disappointing way to describe two women fighting.

19) He’ll never truly respect you as an individual until you swallow.

20) Of the two funny Jewish women who talk about sex, Dr. Ruth is only slightly less bangable than Mindy Raf.
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K W Schroeder

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.