The "Romeo & Juliet" Balcony Scene, Re-Enacted By Contemporary College Students

(Romeo approaches Juliet’s sorority house balcony and gazes upward.)

Romeo: What’s with all the light breaking through that window, hasn’t this broad heard of blinds? Man, take a look at those legs. I wish I was an Ugg boot upon that foot, so I could be near those legs.

Juliet: What up?

Romeo: Whoa, hey. I was just –

Juliet: Why are you on my lawn?

Romeo: Listen, you’re definitely one of the hottest girls in Flugel’s psych class, or whatever. I’m Romeo.

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, what kind of a name is Romeo? Why don’t you change it to something less awkward, like “Blake.” I know a couple of cool “Blake”s.

Romeo: (aside) What’s with this bitch?

Juliet: What’s in a name, anyway? You can call Justin Timberlake’s latest album “Potato Salad” if you want – it’ll still get a party bumpin’.

Romeo: I don’t understand why you’d want to call his album “Potato Salad.”

Juliet: That’s not the point, Blake.

Romeo: My name is still Romeo.

Juliet: Exactly.

Romeo: You know what, I’m just gonna go watch SportsCenter.

Juliet: No wait, hold up. How do I know you?

Romeo: We played Flip Cup last Thursday at the TKE party, so I Facebook’d you. I know maybe that’s kind of –

Juliet: Listen, if Campus Safety sees you, you’re fucked.

Romeo: Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords!

Juliet: They have swords? You need to peace.

Romeo: Never mind.

Juliet: Look, you’re cute. But how do I know you love me?

Romeo: (singing) I swear… by the moon and the stars in the sky…

Romeo & Juliet: (singing) I’ll be there… I love you with every beat of my –

Juliet: No. This isn’t right.

Romeo: But we love each other.

Juliet: No, the lyrics. The next line is “I swear like the shadow that’s by your side.” I have to go. Goodnight.

Romeo: Let’s talk blue balls.

Juliet: Excuse me?

Romeo: I said let’s have a frank and honest conversation about the blue balls you’re about to give me.

(Juliet’s cell phone rings.)

Juliet: It’s my retarded brother, Ernie. I have to go, sometimes he eats wood. (She leaves.)

Romeo: Was this all a dream?

Juliet: (re-enters) Seriously though, text me.

Romeo: I don’t have your number.

(Juliet’s phone rings.)

Juliet: I have to go, it’s Ernie. Sometimes he throws cats.

Romeo: But I don’t –

Juliet: ’Nighters times a thousand.

(Juliet leaves and re-enters.)

Juliet: All right, let’s hang out tomorrow. Do you like skee ball?

Romeo: Do I ever.

Juliet: How’s 8?

Romeo: Can we do 9? I want to catch “My Name Is Earl.”

Juliet: Sounds good.

Romeo: Later babe.