an open letter to Carlos Mencia

Dear Carlos,

Hey man.  I’ve seen  a few of your standup routines and a few of your shows, and I have some news for you.  I don’t mean anything personally by it, really, its just that, well, dude, i mean, you’re not funny.  You’re not.  You’re not edgy, you’re not clever, and you’re sure as hell not some revolutionary freeing the minds of the frightened public by saying what they’re all afraid to say. 

I know, I know, using words like wetback and beaner is ballsy, but it kindof loses its edge after the 132nd joke about roofers and taco bell.    And while racism is hilarious, you might want to consider expanding your reportoire just a little.  I did see impressive steps forward on your show when you included some spot on impressions of the mentally retarded, (a true step forward for comedians everywhere), but your still mostly on the same joke. 

I realize that its hard to top the sheer cunning and originality in jokes about loud black people at the movie theater and asians being good at math, but it might be a good idea to include jokes that , ya know, haven’t been around since the 40s.  Seriously, my grandpa tells me stories about the stupid darky in the front row that wouldn’t shut up during Dracula.

However, one part of your routine that is perfect is your deliverance.  It’s not everyone that could deliver the same joke for a straight hour with such an air of egocentrism that he seriously believes what he’s saying is important.  Not only are you making racist jokes, your liberating the average american form the dark tyrrany of political correctness, freeing our minds, emancipating our thoughts.  Move over MLK, step aside Malcolm X, here comes le CARLOS, ready to free the world from the grips of stereotypes and racial tension by, well, promoting stereotypes and racial tension.

And another nagging thing.  Carlos, your not fucking clairvoyant.  I know, starting jokes with “now i know what you’re thinking..” is a good segway, but you don’t know what I’m thinking.  You don’t know what anyone is fucking thinking.  Maybe in some alternate menciaverse where everyone caters to the heritage based stereotypes theyre supposed to fit into you would know what everyone’s thinking, but here, now, you don’t know shit.   shut the fuck up.

It’s also cool when you invent audience reactions to make your next joke.  You know, when you point in some random direction at the audience and say “ohhh this white guy, he’s not laughing, cause he’s scared to laugh.  I dono carlos, he’s thinking, I don’t want to offend anybody..“  You and I both know there is no timid white guy out there in the fucking audience sweating over whether or not to laugh at your jokes.  I mean, he probably wandered in looking for Ray Romano anyway, right?

Your blatant hatred towards all people of middle eastern descent is also a cute addition to your shows.  Making a bunch of jokes about a bunch of seperate races, then making a seriously racist claim against one race, then making a bunch of other jokes about other races doesn’t make you not a racist.  it just makes you, well, still pretty much a racist.

So the underlying point here is, pretty much, you suck.  You’re not funny, and you’re certainly not important.  Your not saying what everyone else is afraid to say, you’re saying what you want to say.  You’re not Chris Rock, and you’re not the next Dave Chapelle.  You suck.  Fuck you.