Christmas Came Early This Year

At 4:30 today I was attempting to write a paper due at 5:00.  I hadn’t read the material it was over because it was interfering with my eating-microwaved-oatmeal-while-spraying-my-can-of-air-(Dust Remover)-upside-down-to-flash-freeze-various-things-in-my-dorm-room-time, so I logged on to Sparknotes.  Midway through reading the summary of Book IX of Plato’s Republic, something caught my eye.  There was the image of a girls naval filled with whip-cream and text asking me if I wanted to take a body shot.  Crap.I didn’t need that.

Citing that as a sign from God that I wasn’t supposed to write that paper just yet (God, 4:30 P.M., http://www.sparknotes.com/philosophy/republic/section9.rhtml ), I decided to spend my time on something more worthy.I decided to rummage through my desk drawer to see what I had gone an entire semester without using.

First, I found a one pound bag of rubber bands of assorted size and thickness.  I felt bad for the bag; it had to have been lonely for those six months.  I decided to honor it.  I went to work linking the rubber bands together until I had a twenty-five foot length of rubber bands.  I took a half empty bottle of Mountain Dew that had been sitting on my desk (which hasn’t been used or organized since September) and attached it.  I took the whole shebang to the stairwell, attached an end, and let it drop.  Awesome, that’s all I can describe it as.  It was like watching Wiley Coyote.

After a while I decided to move on and let someone discover the simple little joy for themselves; maybe it would lighten their day.  I went back to my drawer and dug deeper.  I found an unopened box of condoms.  Sitting next to them was a package of razor blades.  Nice joke God.  I get it.  Next time a little more subtle though.  Ignoring my depressing cache of loneliness, I dug deeper yet.  There was a pencil sharpener.  Then I realized I hadn’t brought pencils.  For some reason, I felt compelled to keep it anyway.

Envelopes: oh, that’s right.  My parents expected me to write them.  Now that I think about it, no one has written me a single letter since I arrived at college.  Furthermore, not a single relative has kept up their usual pattern of sending me a check for $3.00 for Halloween.  I guess I’m growing up.

Jackpot: I found an unopened plastic case full of paperclips.  Q: Time for a paperclip reenactment of Requiem for a Dream?  A: Yes.  It was beautiful.  Paperclip Jennifer Connelly allowed herself to be exploited by a crowd of rich white paperclip businessmen.  Paperclip Jared Ledo shot up into his big rotten paperclip track-mark while singing gloom-rock songs about how his paperclip girlfriend left him and his paperclip father didn’t love him between takes.  Paperclip Marlon Wayons was wacky as ever.  Silly paperclip Wayons brother.

White-out: why does anyone still buy this?  Is there any use for it in college, really?  Everything that you hand in is usually typed on a word processor with spelling check and the only time you use a pen is when you take notes.  So in other words, you never even use a pen.  So why does white-out still exist?  Then I took a big whiff and remembered why.

Note cards, dividers, and hand sanitizer: for the love of Ramen, who did I think I was kidding?  I’m not even going to dwell on this.

It’s 2:00 now, and no one has called me to hang out.  I wonder why?  I’m going back to my newfound toys.  Time for some more white-out, this time I think I’ll do paperclip Schindler’s List.  Goodnight, and check your desk drawer.  It’ll feel like Christmas.