Everyone knows about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome in women. A week or so before menstruation, something gets fucked up with a woman’s hormones, and a series of unfortunate changes envelop her, similar to the werewolf under a full moon.
Scientists now have discovered a similar syndrome in members of the opposite sex. Men have been experiencing Pre-Masturbation Syndrome for years, but its scientific qualities have not been understood until most recently. Below is a chart depicting some of the similarites between the two syndromes.
| Symptom | Female PMS | Male PMS |
| Anger | Hormones aren’t working | Internet isn’t working |
| Crying | occurs at random intervals | usually only after self-stimulation, unless tears needed for lubricant |
| Stomach Cramps | caused by contracting muscles in the fallopian tubes | a plea for help from tired testicles before 9th man-to-hand session this week |
| Nausea | probably from aforementioned cramps | definitely from trying to watch that new Screech porno |
| Paranoid | about current relationships | about the return of his roommate |
| Blood loss prevention | tampon or pad for vaginal discharge | wristband for cut marks, you pathetic, lonely, emo freak. |
I hope this chart answers any questions you may have had about Pre-Masturbation Syndrome and its relationship to the other PMS. Guys, it’s ok to talk about it now. But I wouldn’t.
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