Mike's Guide to Life: How to Pick a Wingman

Batman has Robin. Woody has Buzz Lightyear. Johnny Carson had Ed McMahon. To each man, their counterpart was not just there to fight crime, fight for stuffed animal rights, or to yell ridiculously loud1 but they were there for one other reason: to be the wingman. It is one of those rules of meeting girls. You just have to bring that wingman along. Why you may ask? Well, it’s simple. Most guys just will mess shit up too much on their own. With their partner there, there is that guy to fall back on and to give you support as you stumble through your first contact with the girl, and in reality stumble through most of the conversation. You know, as I think about it, wingmen aren’t just good for parties, but also for everyday life.

Take Campus Crusade for Christ for example – an ultra religious group at Cal Poly, which I’m sure your school has too. I can’t even count how many times2 I’ve been sitting in our school’s main courtyard and have been approached by them. Do they ever come alone? No, they are smart enough themselves to bring along their wingman to give their “surveys3“ and talk to you about who knows what4. So far in my “Guides to Life,” I have given you necessary information in music and school, and now I’ll give you a bit of advice to up your game5.

Before I get into the actual guide, I have a quick note for you girls. Just go alone. Guys really don’t give a shit.

OK, back on track. First of all, make sure you pick someone who you can trust. I’ve seen it, and it’s always quite a shame when a guy is eyeing a girl, brings his wingman along, and then BLAMO!6 The wingman is the one that ends up taking the girl himself, leaving his friend out to dry.7 My advice: Tell your buddy something nice and polite like, “You bastard. I swear if you steal her from me I’ll never talk to you again and likely will go after your sister.” That way, your friend might catch a slight hint that you are serious about getting this girl.

The next thing is to make sure you pick someone who isn’t better looking than you. While it is possible that a wingman can be a jerk and steal your girl by trying his hardest, you definitely wouldn’t want your buddy to steal her because the girl likes him better than you. Back to my first examples: Batman can take Robin and really not have too much trouble and Johnny Carson probably could beat out Ed McMahon with ease8. The dicey one? Sometimes chicks dig the edgy stupid guys and Woody might have some trouble in some cases with Buzz around. Why the “Toy Story” reference? Because I can. Please use these examples for what they are and not to judge me.9 Anyways, when you go with your buddy by your side to talk to that girl, you have to be the man, not him.

The third and last thing to remember is to pick a guy that will back you no matter how stupid you sound. This includes anything from laughing at your stupid jokes to just agreeing with every dumb thing you are saying. Pretty self explanatory.

Just let your buddy be the coolest guy for that night, let him talk to the girl, and later you can meet all the girl’s friends. And Yahtzee! Everyone is happy.

So there you have it. The tips to make you, the college student better equipped with the knowledge to pick a wingman. So, good luck, and cut out and keep this column in your wallet if you must.

1 HEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY! Just yell that out loud to yourself so that you get     the joke.  Thanks.

2 Actually I can.  326.
 
3 Still waiting for the results from all the ones I’ve taken apart of.
 
4 No seriously, I’m Jewish.  I never really learned about your boy JC.  Because of this, I really   have no idea about anything about him.
 
5 Or to talk to others about your religion?

6 Sorry about the comic book sound effect.  Batman and Robin got me too excited.
 
7 No pun intended.  Now get your mind out of the gutter.
 
8 Unless McMahon had one of his huge checks for millions of dollars.  We all know how much girls love the money.
 
9 Cause I could have used how all seven dwarfs were each other’s wingmen to get Snow White.