Mike's Guide to Life: Is your facebook addiction properly fed?

It is a rush every single time. It can make you feel the highest you’ve ever felt and then give you a complete and total collapse. No, I’m not talking about my articles, or heroin1 , but the facebook phenomenon. Don’t lie to me, or yourself. You know you are addicted, but it’s OK, because you are not alone. Problem is though, while you might be spending hours upon hours on the site, you could possibly be doing it all wrong. This is what this week’s “Guide to Life” is here for. I’m going to help you successfully procrastinate or whatever else you use facebook for.

First, let’s talk pictures. Girls, if you haven’t put your Halloween costume pictures up, please immediately do so after you finish reading this whole article. If you didn’t know this about me, I have a huge love for, um, comparing the ways different cameras take pictures at nighttime2 . So, I guess for that matter, post the type of camera you use too so that I know which brands are best3 . OK, so really just put any pictures from Halloween or any other costume party you’ve attended4.

Next, let me say this: Facebook is ruining one of the obligations that friends should have for each other – to remember birthdays. There used to be a day when people wrote down each other’s birthdays on calendars, or hey, even remembered them. Now though, everyone has a three-day warning of when their friends’ birthdays are, which is enough time to get a gift and card5 . With that said, if you don’t have your birthday listed in your profile, you may as well just forget your birthday, because everyone else in the world will too.

Learn anything yet? Hope so. Let’s move on to this whole networking thing. Sure, it is great to know the people you are friends with on facebook, but make sure you use the “how you met someone” feature to tell something that we didn’t already know. I’ll give a few examples. The first is that I don’t need facebook to keep track of things like how we are best friends or are roommates. Trust me, I know this every time I come home and see you watching TV6 .

Instead, mock the whole facebook feature as much as you can by making up as much crap as you can about the other person. For example, I’d much rather get something that says, “Would you like to confirm that (insert girl’s name) has been in love with you since the first time she met you?” OK, wait my bad…that is one of those that I enjoy and didn’t already know . Just have fun with it I guess.

One of the biggest problems that some people have with facebook is the semi-new “News Feed.” I’m going to say this though – While it is called a “News Feed” this shouldn’t literally be all the news you care about. If the only news that is important to you has to do with what group your friend joined or that someone added “Three’s Company” to their list of TV shows, you probably should get out more. Instead, maybe you should get your news from, I don’t know, the only news Web site worth going too: collegehumor.com8!

Moving on: guys, I haven’t heard of one girl not getting creeped out by trying to get picked up and poked randomly on facebook. That means, I don’t care how much you have in common with a girl, facebook isn’t for matchmaking. I can probably safely assume that if I found a girl like myself whose favorite TV show is “Welcome Back Kotter,” and lists MC Hammer under favorite music, I would probably be more scared than excited that there was a girl out there exactly like me. That’s not to say that “Welcome Back Kotter” and MC Hammer should be overlooked as the greatest show and music in history, but those are whole other “Guides to Life” entirely9.

So, once again, this brings me to the end of another exhilarating “Guide to Life.” Hope you’ve learned something valuable. If you really need to, go look me up on facebook to see the correct way to use it. I’m just trying to make the world a better place, with what is the most important thing to most 18-to-24-year-olds, one facebook profile at a time.

I swear I’ve never done heroin. OK Mom, Dad, sister?
2 I have a Canon camera. Prove your brand is better
3 Still a great cover up right?
4 Yeah, OK fine I admit it. I, like any other guy, likes seeing the costumes. There, I said it.
5 Or you can just pay 10 bucks for an autographed picture of myself. Great gift. What a deal!
6 Oh and Dan, dude, on the topic, can you put some clothes on? I’m tired of seeing you sitting there in your Spongebob boxers every time I come home from class.
7 And one day, it might happen?
8 Shameless plug to keep my stupid articles online.
9 “Mike’s Guide to John Travolta” and “Mike’s Guide to Bringing Back Parachute Pants”?