Christmas Is My Birthday Too, Damn It

My favorite day of the year is December 25. That’s my birthday. But this year no one RSVP’d to my party. Apparently, this other guy Jesus has the same birthday as me and everyone wants to go to his party instead. Fuck that, I thought at first. No Mexican’s going to upstage me on my special day.

Who’s this Jesus guy anyhow? I had to find out. After visiting two Taco Bells and a Chipotle, I had no answers. Cashiers at all three, however, told me to go to Hell. I couldn’t find Hell, so I went to a church and asked a priest. He was all like call me Father and I was like, I’m not a 12 year-old boy. LOL. Then I found him a 12 year-old boy and he got really freaked. He told me Jesus was this guy who died and came back to life after a few days. Woah. Like Ashlee Simpson when she got caught lip-syncing on SNL and then totally came back later and rocked the house down? Holy Mary mother of God, that’s so cool!

At first I was really pissed at my boyfriend Christian for not coming to my party. But he had his reasons. I told him I looked for Jesus in Hell, but found him in a church. He was so pleased I went looking for Jesus. He gave me this book to read called the New Testament. According to the Cliff Notes, Jesus’s body is made from bread. (Talk about an Atkins no-no.) Still, this bitch stole my birthday, so I went to the Stop and Shop and asked for the Jesus bread. They were out of it or some shit, so I got a Jesus bagel. I think it had cinnamon or whatever. Anyhow, it sucked. Now I was pissed and hungry and I had no idea who this Jesus guy was and my diamond ring was too heavy and I had “Pieces of Me” stuck in my head and it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Then, as I was about to have our maid’s car towed because I was bored, I saw his picture dangling from her rear-view mirror. Holy Christ this guy is hot. He looks just like Jim Caviezel in that movie about the Son of God. I’m going to his party instead. I don’t care how old he is; I’d nail him to that cross like he was the Messiah.