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Jake Hurwitz

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How to Study For Your Philosophy Final

Wait, what?  Is that today? Hold on I need to look in my planner. Oh my God. I thought it was next Tuesday. Is it open notes? Oh my God. I need to call Bobby, what’s Bobby’s number? Shit shit shit. I don’t even know where it is. Johnson Hall 211? Where is Johnson Hall? Is that North Campus? Oh my God, I’m screwed. Where’s my book? I have, like, four hours. I might as well kill myself. How high is this building? I’d survive a three story fall. Jesus, I need to go to the library. Where’s my jacket? Dude, why didn’t you wake me up?!  You knew I had this test today and you didn’t say anything about it last night?  What the hell, dude?  No, it’s not my fault, it’s your fault.  You’re the worst roommate ever. Yo, if I fail this test my dad is going to shit, I swear to God. Oh man.  Can you break my leg or something?  What?  No, I’m not serious.  Shut up, I need to think.  How much time do you think it would take to type all my notes into a TI-83?  Sweet Jizzing Jesus I am fucked. I have to go.

Good Luck With Finals, Everybody!
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Jake Hurwitz

Jake Hurwitz

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It's a vase

I used to work night shift manufacturing in small town Nebraska. After work, I went home and bummed around a bit, when my roommate and I realized we were hungry for some greasy food. Everything is shut down except a 24 truck stop about 20 minutes away. We head out, and half way there we see lights flashing in the rear. He wasn't speeding so we had no idea why we were... Read More » getting pulled over (turns out it was a burnt out tail light). The cop comes up, sees two mid twenties guys wearing huddies, and when he asked us where we were going answered him that we were going to the truck stop because we had the munchies. 45 minutes go by and we hear a dog sniffing the car, barking at the trunk. I look at my friend and say "Your not sending me to jail man!", "No, I clean, really." Sweet is poring down our face when the officer says, "Both of you step out of the car NOW." We comply, and 5 officers search every inch of the two of us. Then they search his trunk, "SIR, ARE THESE YOUR WEAPONS?", My friend answers, "That's my key chain pocket knife, I forgot it was in there." The offices disregards it than spits back "WHATS THIS?!?" My friend squeaked out "That's a vase sir." Much to their disappointment, we were clean, and they let us go. I still chuckle when I go back to visit and see his vase.