"Josef Stalin Answers Your Letters" by Dave Holstein

Dear Stalin,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years. She’s going abroad for a semester and recently told me she wants to keeps her “options” open. In 1941, how did you feel when Hitler betrayed you?

Committed in Kenosha

Dear Committed,

Have you tried talking about it with her? Relationships are hard work. If you're serious about staying together, maybe it's time you two had a discussion about the future. If all else fails, destroy her in the winter.

JS

Dear Stalin,

Choosing a major is hard. At first I thought I was Psychology. Then I switched to Economics. Now it’s only been eight weeks and I’m already considering Art History with a possible minor in French. I don’t know what I’m doing. Help!

Undecided in Eugene

Dear Undecided,

Slow down! Lots of people end up in successful careers outside their field of study. It’s not like I majored in Gulag! Remember, degrees don’t make you who you are. Capitalist history books do. Also, have you thought about a double major?

JS

Dear Stalin,

About a month ago my girlfriend left me for another one of my fraternity brothers. Ever since, I’ve been struggling with depression and feel cut off from the world. What did Leningrad do?

Curious in Kentucky

Dear Curious,

I understand and empathize with your feelings of detachment. We sometimes keep those we love at arm’s length as a means of self-preservation. Like Leningrad, you feel sieged on all fronts by Germans, emotionally. Keep your chin up and your chest high. After two years, supply lines will cross over the frozen lakes.

JS

Article