Staff Picks

How Well You Are Going to Do on Your Finals

+5 points for every time you check CNN.com in a week





-5 points for every time you refresh the Facebook Newsfeed in a day





+5 points for every cup of coffee





-10 points for every cup of coffee past five cups





-5 points for every beer





-10 points for every shot





+1 point for every page you read of your book





-5 points for every time you masturbate the day of





+5 points for every hour of History Channel you watch in a week





-20 points for every episode of Laguna Beach you watch in a week





+10 points for eating a healthy bowl of granola in the morning





-10 points for every bowl you smoke the day of





+10 points for taking a 15 minute power nap ahead of time





-10 points for every hour you really ended up napping





+20 points if you actually studied





-20 points if you had a Police Academy marathon





-20 points if it’s a Math or Science exam





+20 points if it’s the final for Intro to Acting





+40 points for every time you had sex with your professor





-50 points for every time you’ve listened to Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.