What I'd Tell My Freshman Self

1) Freshman Me! Listen! You have to break up with Tracy! Yes, yes, I know the sex is great. But she’s insane. Seriously, you can do it now, or you can wait till Junior year when she shows up at your apartment with an engagement ring, the names of your future children, and a list of the schools you’re allowed to apply to for grad school. Fine, you can have break up sex. Just do it, OK?

2) Don’t do any of the readings for Astronomy. Your professor is going to lose the grade book at the end of the semester and give everyone A’s. Seriously, you have a lot more important things to do. Like break up with Tracy.

3) I know you think all the guys in Sigma Nu are super cool and that’s the frat you wanna join. Don’t do it. They’re gonna make you fuck a goat. What? No, I didn’t do it. I walked out. (Silence) OK, yeah I did it. And it sucked. So please, just join the dorky frat down the street. They actually get cool senior year when everyone else is shut down.

4) Don’t do the reading for European History. The professor has a nervous breakdown three days before the final. What? Oh yeah, he’s fine now. I mean he still talks to himself around campus and… Hey you’re getting me off track. Listen Me From The Past, you’re gonna get an A.

5) OK, most importantly, on the night of December 13th, 2003 you will get very, very intoxicated. Your best friend’s little sister will be visiting that weekend. You won’t know how it happens, everything will just kind of be moving very quickly, but you will end up making out with her. Now she’s a very sensitive girl with a high moral code, and that’s why I’m telling you — this time — bring a condom.