Not Gonna Lie, I'm Baked

(Students are packed into a large lecture hall, chatting nervously with each other. PROFESSOR DAVIS enters.)

PROFESSOR DAVIS: What’s up?

(He sets down his briefcase and takes out a stack of TESTS.)

PROFESSOR DAVIS: Now, I’m sure some of you are very nervous about this exam. There’s a lot of stuff on it. Like, seriously, a whole lot. Does anyone have any questions?

STUDENT: How much time do we have?

PROFESSOR DAVIS: What, for the test? Plenty of time. I mean, I know you’re nervous. I know! I would be nervous too, but I just ripped a bong in my station wagon. I’m not gonna lie: I’m high. And dude, I’ve figured it out. You don’t need to worry about anything! It means so little in the grand scheme of things. This moment, right now, is like a tiny speck. In a few months you’re going to be like, “What test?” And this test is easy, man. I mean, it’s a lot of stuff, but it’s all multiple choice! All of it! Each one, you’re going to be making a choice from multiple options. Like clockwork. That means that in each question you have, like, a one in four chance of getting it right. That’s 25 percent! You can’t get odds like that on the lottery. If you could do that, I would be playing the lottery every day. Powerball. Scratch-offs. Vegas, man. Have you ever been to Vegas? There are so many lights there. Like, I would almost say too many. Who needs that many lights? It’s daytime half the time anyway. That’s just wasteful. This test, man, this test is like Vegas. Now that I think about it, you know? You just gotta go in and take your chances. Sometimes you’re gonna want to answer “C” but you should be rapping on “B,” and that’s cool. There’s a lot of questions. You can get a few wrong. Just toss ‘em out. Some of the questions aren’t even important. What’s important is that you’re asking questions. Don’t ever lose that sense of wonder.

STUDENT: So what does that mean?

PROFESSOR DAVIS: Um… like, 45 minutes?