women and pies

On a recent trip to Perkins, I couldn’t help but to gaze and drool at the pies in the glass case while paying for my meal. In that glass case I saw the pie I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The whipped toping was placed so delicately on the top in a some what intricate pattern. It was as intricate as cool whip could get to say the least. And there were five delectable peanut butter cups on the top, placed perfectly apart from each other, not to close, but not to far. It’s like the baker got his TI-89 out and calculated how far apart they should be using pi to the eleventh decimal place. I glanced at her nametag, “Peanut Butter Cup Brownie Pie”. MMMM. It was like we were meant for each other.

Then reality set in. This is Perkins. I mean, come on. How good can a pie in a glass case really be? I don’t see any awards on the wall that say “Perkins, World Class Pie” or “#1 Pie” or “Our Pies are Really Really Good So You Should Eat One before You Die So You Can Get to Heaven”. There jingle isn’t “HEY HEY!! Our Pies are Really Awesome!” (Sung to the tune of “Cat Scratch Fever”). Then I realized, pies are kind of like chicks. Most of them seem good on the outside, but sometimes, you just need to have a slice. Much like this Venn diagram.

First of all, they each may not appear to be what they really are. A pie can be obscured by intricate patterns or a fancy topping design. But when you finally sink your teeth in, you go to hold back the gag and choke down that one bite. Accordingly, women often portray one message when you see them, but man you and me both know, that is not always what you’re going to get. They both go good with a little cool whip. There’s nothing like sitting down with a nice piece of pie/woman, covering your pie/woman in cool whip, and then licking all the cool whip off your pie/woman. You can also eat both. And get pleasure from both. I won’t get into that. Just making a statement.

There are also benefits to each party. Pies can’t talk. Sometimes, chicks don’t know when to shut up. Pies do. With pies, its kind of one-time thing, a one-meal-stand if you will. A little less of a commitment. You can have one slice of a pie, and not ever have that pie again. Nobody cares. But if you like that pie, you can eat it as much as you want! Pies also don’t bleed on a regular basis. With women, if you decide you don’t like either flavor anymore and decide to break up, the emotions, anger crying and all that other crap. Women can scratch your back. That’s a really big factor when it comes down to it all. Ever had to wash meringue off your back? Didn’t think so. Trust me, its hard. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBs. Pies don’t have them. What is there to play with on a pie? The crust? The whipped cream? Meh… boobs sound a heck of a lot better.

To all the men out there, I hear what I say. You may be looking in a glass case somewhere and see the pie of your dreams. You order that pie and you think it’s going to be the best day of your life. You know in your heart that you will never eat another pie again. Just remember, there are a lot of pies out there. Different shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. If you ask me right now, I’d have to say I’d take a woman over a pie. But who knows, ask me tomorrow and it may be a pie.