Santa is Creepy

I’ve been scared of Santa Claus ever since I was a little kid.  Seriously, I thought he was the creepiest dude ever!  And it’s true, he is.  Here’s why:

He wears a red velvet suit trimmed in fake white fur.  At least, we hope it’s fake.  If it’s not, that means that it’s polar bear fur, which would make Santa one tough mother kunucker.  You know what kind of people wear red velvet?  Pedophiles.  Big creepy pedophiles.

He can get into your house through your chimney, even if you don’t have a chimney.   My parents used to tell me that Santa got in through our chimney, which was all fine and dandy until I realized that we didn’t have one.  So then I asked how that was possible, and they told me that he makes one just for the night.  CREEPY!  How does he get in and remain undetected?  Seriously, alarm systems?  Useless.  Dogs?  They don’t go near him.  That’s because Santa is like a big red velvet ninja.

He breaks into your house to LEAVE THINGS, not take them.  The only thing he ever takes is milk and cookies.  Most of the things he leaves are toys for little children, which makes me wonder what he’s done to them.  I don’t want to touch anything that fat man puts in my house.

He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.  He so totally gets off on watching little kids sleep.  You know who does that?  Pedophiles.  That’s two points towards touching little kids now.

He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice all year.  He says he wants you to be nice, but we all know that Santa prefers it naughty.  Naughty little kids are Santa’s third strike for pedophilia.

He dresses up small people in dumb outfits and enslaves them to make all his toys.  We complain about sweatshops because it’s unethical, but at least those little guys get paid a tiny bit sometimes.  Then again, everything we buy is from China, so I guess people really don’t care.  Slave labor is against the law in civilized nations, but if Santa does it, it’s ok because they’re dressed up with bells and pointy little shoes.  We would have to pay for Santa’s services if he paid the elves, so I guess we’re just too cheap to free the elves.  You bastards.

He has magical reindeer to pull his sleigh.  That just sounds to me like a way to lure little children into his vehicle and carry them away.  He can stop time, so nobody would notice the little guy missing and the kid while Santa gave him a special toy.  “It’s a whistle, why don’t you blow it?“  PEDOPHILE!

He won’t die!  Santa is immortal.  No matter how old he gets, or how many times he falls of roofs and freezes in the North Pole, he will not die.  My theory is that he steals the youth from children to stay alive.  You know what you get when you rearrange the letters in Santa?  SATAN!  It’s a pretty crappy disguise if you ask me.

He wants your children to sit in his lap.  That settles it.  Santa is a big creepy pedophile.  And he’s Satan.  This Christmas, I’m sleeping with a knife under my pillow.