Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

Mary, Mary, Mary. Look at me, Mary. You’re getting all bent out of shape for nothing! It’s my sister’s big day and you’re crying. Ow! Don’t hit me. I said don’t hit me. I said… oh, ssh, we’re disturbing the ceremony. Heh, sorry, Father.

Now, I know this looks bad; let me explain. She’s my cousin. Yes. I swear to God, she’s my cousin. Why would I be doing THAT with my cousin, fer Christssakes? Her necklace had come loose and I has helped to fasten it. With my mouth. It was 24-karat gold, I didn’t want to smudge with my hands. Remember how I ate those bagel bites in the car? I had greasy fingers and my mouth was cleaner. Darn those bagel bites!

Okay, and THAT. She was also having problems with her stockings, that’s why my hand was up her skirt. Well, no, everyone else was in the ceremony except for me. Why were we in the broom closet? See, I was on my way to the bathroom, that’s why my zipper was down. But we wanted to get back to this beautiful, touching ceremony… so we decided to stop into the nearest broom closet to fix her back up. Honestly, Mary, do you think I enjoy having my hand up some slu… um, my cousin’s skirt? No, I don’t.

You’re leaving me? This is what I get for being such a good Samaritan? Well, excuuuuse me for being polite!