"Situations That Indicate Certian Retired Athletes May Be Taking Steroids" by Patrick Cassels

Terry Bradshaw

Visibly sweaty and ferociously short-tempered Bradshaw attacks FOX NFL Sunday co-host Howie Long with blunt end of Heisman Trophy after Long makes routine on-camera zinger about Bradshaw's baldness.

John Elway

Former Broncos QB Elway mistakes 1989 Isuzu Aska for long-distance "Vortex" football during filming of Nerf advertisement. Obliviously throws mid-sized sedan 110 yards into stands of Denver stadium and screams triumphantly.

Mario Lemieux

As Habitat for Humanity volunteer, the legendary NHL center constructs 2-story raised ranch home for impoverished family. Alone. Without the use of tools. Finishes by ripping off shirt and chanting lyrics to Queen's "We Will Rock You."

John Madden

NFL Hall-of-Famer makes losing to computer in 2008 version of popular "Madden NFL" videogame franchise virtually impossible with dubious "Juice Up!!!" option.

Michael Jordan

When severe acne and a mysteriously high-pitched voice gets him fired from the production of Space Jam 2, an enraged Jordan threatens to kill every other member of cast, unaware that he is film's only non-animated character.

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