Employers Use Myspace and Facebook When Hiring Students, Employment Rate Drops To 0%

Due to the overwhelming popularity and accessibility of the social networking sites Facebook (www.facebook.com) and Myspace (www.myspace.com), employers of companies big and small have begun using profiles of job candidates to further judge their character and qualifications. The backlash of this, of course, was that they truly did find the character and qualifications of the candidates. In essence, it was discovered that no self respecting company would ever hire your dumb ass, regardless of what you lied was your GPA on your resume. I was unable to sit down with senior vice president and chief financial officer of bigshit company Merrill Lynch, Jeffrey N. Edwards, to discuss this phenomena, and get some insight as to how employers use these sites to weigh job applicants, so instead I talked to the bum outside of their building. Seeing as how I don’t speak blackanese, I roughly translated grunts, smelling like douche, and stabbing me with a hypodermic needle as the following. . .

Employers frown upon the following things when reviewing
your profile:
‘Whatever I Can Get’ translates to ‘my penis is chaffing
from all of the masturbation, and I will take whatever
job I can get, as long as I can take breaks to masturbate
in the bathroom’ or ‘this week the record is only 3 cocks in my pussy at the same time’ -10 points

God-awful music artists and/or movies say your bad taste in the arts will leave a bad taste in your mouth after you have to suck a dick to get the job -5 points

Any quote from “The Shawshank Redemption” is a direct eye gouging by that bum outside of the building, sorry, company policy -30 points

Having the literacy level of a 4 year old says you either put the profile together blindfolded and typing with your feet or that you really don’t know how to spell ‘the’ -15 points

Possessing or doing the following in any pictures of you: a solo cup (does not make you cool), partial or full nudity (you obviously hate fruits and vegetables, keep those rolls of fat where they belong: out of plain sight), more beer on your shirt than in your cup (how are you going to finish the Henderson Report if you can’t even finish a beer), dressing in drag (not even Halloween is a good enough excuse to act like a complete homo), wearing the same clothes in EVERY picture (you’re not a superhero, we know you don’t have a closet full of the same outfit, and you can only turn it inside out once), being passed out in an inconvenient location, in an inconvenient position, with inconvenient
penises and swastikas drawn all over your face (enough said, you pansy) -5 points each, combinations are multiplied

Considering this editorial is quickly becoming a drinking game, I will leave you with this thoughtful quote, “Get busy living, or get busy dying, but whatever you do, change your queer profile, you queer.”