"Employed Friends vs. Unemployed Friends" by Steve Horvath

Employed Friends vs. Unemployed Friends

Only calls at four in the morning in a dire emergency	Only calls at four in the morning to see if you wanna go on a burrito run
Voicemail is recorded in a professional manner	Voicemail is recorded by holding phone up to computer speakers playing "Get Low"
Can't go out to the bars because he has a lot of work	Can't go out to the bars because he has a big Halo tournament
Lunch break is fifteen minutes long, consisting of eating a ham sandwich he prepared at home	Lunch consists of him asking me over and over again, "Yo let me get one of those fries?"
Can't do drugs because of company's strict no-drug policy	Must do drugs to be good at Ultimate frisbee
Saving money to go to business school	Saving change in the couch for Scooby Doo trapper keeper
Looking to settle down with a family in the near future	Looking on eBay for good prices on slightly-used Fleshlights
Feels uneasy about his filing status on his taxes.	Feels uneasy about next level in Zelda. Seriously, it's getting intense

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