Jake Explains It All

Ah, Winter Break. After just a few days you’ve realized everything you’ve taken for granted all semester. Cheap beer, really easy access to narcotics and, of course, a plethora of ripe, inebriated, and most importantly- willing, freshmen. Who do you turn to when your penis is soft and lonely? The answer is simple. Your ex-girlfriend.

Make it happen: First you’ll just run into her at a party. Full speed. You pretend to be in a hurry or something, and you just collide with her head on. You should both fall down, one of you should bleed.

To the kitchen: For an ice pack, ask her if she’s okay, apologize sincerely but then say, “I’m actually glad this happened, I’ve been wanting to talk to you.” Slyly move the ice pack down to her nipple. If she’s into it, put your hand on her ass. If she’s not, pretend you’re kidding. “You always were a jokester!” She’ll say.

Fond memory: “Remember that trip to the beach last summer, what a perfect day… If only summer never ended, if only love didn’t fade away.” That’s when you meet her eyes, a solitary tear lies in the corner of your left eye (From the painful collision earlier) and it falls down your cheek as she falls in love with you all over again.

Bang the shit out of her in the upstairs bathroom: Hard. The stunt you just pulled is really only going to work once, go all out. Remember that thing you always wanted to try while you were dating but were afraid to because you were sure she’d break up with you? Do it.

Exit Strategy: “Where were you running to in the first place?” She’ll ask. “Oh. My. God. My quiche!” And run away with her clothes.