Take this advice with a grain of salt (and a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila)…One semester down in this school year and only one more to go until the extended frat party that is summer vacation. Let’s hope that despite your best efforts (i.e. waking up when the sun goes down, clouding your mind with malted hops and bong resin) you were able to attend a few classes, remain enrolled in your respective school, and maybe even learn a thing or two. But college is not all about classroom learning, there are life lessons to be learned as well. Here are five things that you should have learned (or re-learned for those of you who used the previous summer vacation as a mind eraser) during your first semester (back) at college.
9 AM Classes Are Really Ridiculously Early And Nearly Impossible To Attend
Visit Whatever Your School Has That May Resemble A Gym
You know that hot girl in your calculus class? The one with the amazing ass that looks phenomenal in those girly track/sweat pants she wears on alternating Tuesdays? With your school name printed right across both butt cheeks? Now, see that muscular dude who has all the charisma of an oscillating fan sitting next to her? Know why he’s there? That’s right, he has an enormous penis. But also, he knows what the inside of your school’s recreation facilities look like. In high school you didn’t need to work out because you actually were at school walking around and off your couch for more than 3 hours a day. You enjoyed varsity sports, theatre; even marching band members got more daily exercise than you do now. The closest you now come to an athletic field is a beirut table, and the only acting you do is sneaking past your RA’s “acting” like you’re not hammered or stoned out of your mind. This is to not even talk of the fact that you have doubled your caloric intake and regularly make a meal out of Ring Dings, Peanut M&M’s, Twinkies, and a 6 pack. The Freshman 15 has long passed you bye and you are now trying to prevent the Freshman 50. If you don’t want to return home in 5 months resembling a young John Goodman then I suggest taking a hike (hey, that burns calories too) to your school’s gym. Your scale, and the person who bunks below you, will thank me.
Everything That Is In Your Room Is Community Property, Get Used To It
Doing Laundry Regularly Is An Expensive Albeit Wise Investment
Believe it or not my brother once had a roommate who made it an entire semester without doing a single load of laundry. Instead, he Febreezed his clothes after every use. Needless to say, people noticed. The sweet pungent mix of body odor and Febreeze is a smell that stings the nostrils and leaves a less than desirable impression upon the people you meet. Laundry seems like a waste of time because it takes up a good couple hours when you could be doing something much more important (like seeing how many beers it takes to fuck up the cat your buddy snuck into his room). But everyone who hangs out within a 25 foot radius of you will appreciate the fact that you’re not wearing your “favorite shirt” for the 8th time in a row without washing it. Want to get laid? Do laundry. Want to have any reputation around campus that doesn’t include the phrase “smelly kid”? Do laundry. Want to eventually make a move on that T.A. who obviously has a crush on you (she gave you an A and you didn’t even read the book!)? Do laundry. As laundry builds up, it tends to make other things smell, like your room. And there are few things worse than walking into a friend’s room and having it smell like his sweaty ball sack because he has a stack of clothes covering his bed that includes gym shorts he hasn’t washed in 2 months. Cleanliness is only next to godliness, so wash your clothes you ungodly smelly freak. Or at least go to Church. (Note: Bathe regularly as well.)
Finals Are Called Finals For A Reason They're Final
They are your final chance to pull up that grade you’ve been slacking on all semester. Your final chance to avoid getting booted from your dream school (or at least your safety). And you’re final chance to avoid having your parents scream “What did I just spend 35,000 dollars on?” Use them wisely. No longer is it as easy as it was in high school, when finals consisted of cupcake questions on books and concepts you had covered to death in a class that was mandatory to attend. You may have a missed a class or two in college (or 12 or 13). Guess what? That doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for the material, there are no “make-up finals” and rarely the opportunity for extra credit that involves you making something out of poster board, pipe cleaners, and a googily eye or two. These things generally matter, and often make up 50% of your final grade; which is great for people who slacked, but terrible for so called “bad test takers.” No matter who you are, no matter how much you followed along in class, the pre-final all-nighter is generally a good idea. Just be careful not to shut your eyes for that quick second and wake up 7 hours later on your couch sporting morning wood with page 5 of your text book collecting drool under your chin. In such an emergency I suggest stuffing a page or two of your most important notes into your shoe, grabbing a bottle of Imodium AD (do not ingest, it is just a prop), and pulling the old “explosive diarrhea” routine on your professor. Few are going to argue with you as you race to the bathroom during the exam, especially when you already smell like shit because someone “borrowed” your deodorant, the extra weight you’ve put on is making you sweat profusely and you haven’t done your laundry in over a month.