Things I screamed while trying to kill the mice living in my apartment that I have also said to guys I've dated

Don’t even think about going in my bedroom, you dirty little bitch.

Come on, come out and eat it. Lick the peanut butter. Lick it.

You’re creeping me out.

Die, assh*le. Die!

You can run, but you can’t hide.

I’m through cleaning up your poop. You hear me?! Through!

Stop eating my food!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Ewww, it almost touched me.

Oh my God, there’s three of them!


It’s true. I have a mice, and for some reason I think screaming at them and talking to myself will help get rid of them. I’d like to think I’m one of those cool girls who’s not afraid of mice or bugs, but I’m not. The first time I saw one run across my tiny living room, I stood on top of my couch and screamed my rape scream—which I’ve practiced at many a self defense class. My neighbors didn’t even come over to see if I was alright, which was unsettling.

Anyway, on to the mailbag, i.e. anal sex and blow jobs. I just love getting messages from you guys.

Dear Mindy,
I’ve been hooking up with my friend and were kind of dating but we never really go dates, we just stay at his apartment and hook up, but it’s not booty call type thing because it’s not at 4am. but I mentioned going out to a party and coming with me to another party and now were not hooking up and were not hanging out. We didn’t have sex, but I’ve blown him. Have I fucked everything up?
~L

Dear L,
I’m going to quote lyrics from a song I wrote, please pay attention.
“Never suck cock on an empty stomach.”
I’m not saying the food has to be free, you can pay your own way, but next time share a meal or at least an ice cream cone with him before you’ve “blown him.”
Best of luck to you and yours,
~Mindy

Dear Mindy
You seem like the person to go to on this one. I’m a girl who has an awesome boyfriend. There’s only one problem: he doesn’t like anal. How do I go about convincing him it’s about orgasms and making sweet sweet love and not about colons and poo?
Thanks much,
S

Dear S,
Wow, I’m still deciding how I feel about the first line of your e-mail. I’m gonna go with honored.
I would highly suggest NOT using the word “colon” or “poo” when trying to convince your boyfriend to stick it in your ass. That being said, I think you need to re-introduce your asshole to him. Clean it up, make it look pretty and then maybe watch some porn together. Yes, that’s what I suggest, lots of porn.
Sweet, sweet orgasms and minimal poo,
~Mindy