Open-Letter from Naive Science Major

Dear Dean of the College Science ,

As a freshman entering this illustrious university, I found myself abreast with option concerning my educational career. The chance to study history, language, culture, and literature; to experience the collective-social effort of mankind; was overwhelmingly alluring. But after weighing the options, the study of Science seemed like where I could show my best effort towards higher learning. It is my unfortunate duty to inform you, good sir, that I was lured to this choice by false pretenses. After many long nights of reading textbooks and several semesters of lab-courses, I can unequivocally state that the laurels on which the study of Science sits are inexplicitly false and blatantly misrepresented:

*- Krypton has no greater effect on seemingly superhuman abilities than it does on normal human abilities; in fact in large doses it is fatal to all organisms.

*-Capacitors do indeed flux; however, this fluxing has no implications for time-travel.Similarly, the speed 88mph has no effect on capacitor function.

*-Chemistry experiments generally have more capacity for causing cancer than causing explosions.The one exception to this is Carbonite, which is explosive and holds no long-term preservation properties.

*-While the process of full genome cloning is certainly feasible to a point, dinosaurs, figures from history, Michael Keaton, and the current governor of California are all unsuitable or too complex for this task.

*- Being unusually adept at mathematics, engineering, or a particular field of science yields absolutely no real-world advantage in solving high-pressure, short-term problems.In general the most impressive students can barely dress in the morning without hurting themselves.

*-It is an amazing rarity for a woman with a PhD. in a highly specialized, esoteric field (High-Energy Physics, Thermodynamics, Quantum Theory, etc..) to be able to moonlight as a runway model.

It is my firm suggestion that all the information I have relayed to you be converted into a pamphlet to be given out to prospective science-majors, as this will prevent any the disillusionment that is common after discovering these facts.

Yours sincerely,

Robert Plasschaert