Famous First Times II

More historical and cultural icons discuss the night they lost their virginity.

Albert Einstein: “I entered her at 52 degrees, for optimum torque. She was a large woman, and it took a lot of effort to breathe when she was on top of me. Few people know this, but the original meaning of my theory of relativity was Exhaustion = Mass of Cooch squared. I spent my entire career trying to discover time travel so I could go back and unbang her.”


Napoleon Bonaparte: “I conquered her, inch by sumptuous inch. She kept asking me to spank her, but I refused to take my hand out of my jacket. Hubris proved to be my fatal flaw as I tried to invade a forbidden territory, and she exiled me from my own bedroom. I came back 100 days later, only to be shunned again. I attribute my second defeat to the Water Lube.”


Amelia Earhart: “I was in the middle of circumnavigating his body, if you catch my updraft. It was so intense that right when things were getting interesting, I sort of ran out of gas, you know, and just crashed. Or did I?”



Scooby Doo: “I didn’t even rrask if she was in the rrood – I just rrawled on top of her. I rrucked her hard. I rrucked her slow. And I didn’t just rruck her rroggy style – I rrucked her rrissionary, I rrucked her rreelbarrow. Finarry, I erraculated on her face and said, “You rrike it! You rrike it you rrirty rrittle rritch!”



Rosa Parks: “It was on a bus. Well… this is embarrassing. It wasn’t just a bus… it was a video for Bang Bus. I’m not proud of it, but I needed the cash. When I refused to do it in the back seat, he threw me out of the car – didn’t even give me my money. I’ve been boycotting that bus ever since.”


The Internet: “I met her over myself, which was kind of weird, you know. At first, my history really freaked her out. My first time was pretty embarrassing. When we really started getting busy, I froze. When I actually wanted a pop-up, I couldn’t get one. Anyway, she was a Real Player, and I eventually realized she was just using me to get to other people.”


In case you missed it, check out the first installment of Famous First Times.