Lunkhead Ponders First Tattoo

Joel Bracket, a stiflingly unintelligent Tight End on the Jesse Helms High School (Weevil, Ga.) football team announced yesterday to a locker room of bemused teammates that he intended on getting his first tattoo next month.Bracket, who is used sparingly because of poor blocking skills, little or no pass-catching ability and an almost unprecedented inability to remember even the most basic of plays was heard to say he was leaning toward “something that really says who I am. Something really, really unique. Maybe a ring of barbed wire around one of my biceps or a Chinese symbol. It’s an important decision, maybe the most important decision of my life.”

When told that unique meant “one of a kind” and therefore wasn’t particualrly subject to degrees and that perhaps choosing a college or to entire military service might trump the choice of tattoo for being an important decision, Bracket blinked and replied, “whatever”.

When asked why he was considering a Chinese symbol, Bracket said it had to do with “all that cool Bruce Lee shit” and had the added bonus of “nobody would know what it really meant. I’m really complex and I like being all mysterious and shit”.

Bracket, who was referred to by even the most generous of his teachers as being “the most dim-witted, mouth-breathingly stupid — almost alarmingly stupid — teenager I’ve ever helped ramrod through the system” was then asked which Chinese symbol he was considering but was distracted by something shiny and wandered off before he could answer.