7 Day DIEt

Sure, some people eat healthy and excercise in order to lose weight, but, come on, you and I both know that’s a hassle. Who has time to excercise? Hell, who has time to eat? Therefore, I’ve designed my own diet that will have you looking a little less emaciated than Kate Moss. Here’s the meal plan:

Day One
Breakfast- Half a Red Bull.
Lunch- The other half of the Red Bull.
Dinner- Two menthol cigarettes.

Day Two
Breakfast- One gram of cocaine.
Lunch- Nothing at all.
Dinner- Your own tears (it hurts losing weight).

Day Three
Breakfast- Blood. IMPORTANT: make sure to thouroughly cook the blood. Ya know, ‘cause of germs and stuff.
Lunch- Remember telling that guy in your youth basketball league that you “ate chumps like him for lunch?” Yeah, eat that guy.
Dinner- A full cup of salt.

Day Four
Don’t eat, just throw up…A LOT.

Day Five
Breakfast- One serving of air.
Lunch- Another gram of cocaine (c’mon, it’s fun!).
Dinner- One vulture, preferably one that’s been hovering over your limp body for the past five days.

Day Six
No food, just jumping jacks.  : )

Day Seven
What? You’re still alive? Good job, have a pizza.