Jake Explains It All

So vacation is almost over and you really need something to brag to your roommate about. Unfortunately all you’ve really done is have sex with your ex-girlfriend and then check her away message everyday to see if she used a Goo Goo Dolls quote (“Slide” was your song). Well, since “Slide” sucks, and you’ve  got A LOT of sweaters you need to return to The Gap, you can kill two birds with one stone by sticking your peen in a sales clerk.

Make the return: So you’ll throw down your V-necks, Turtle Necks, and Crew Necks, but you’ve also slyly grabbed a pair of Extra Large boxer briefs on the way in. “These didn’t fit,” you’ll say, “The crotch is too small.” She raises her eyebrows.

Say this: “The Gap just doesn’t fit my style, ya know? I’m a rebel, a renegade, I go by the beat of my own drummer, and my drummer doesn’t usually drum gay ass indy shit like I hear playing right now. Plus I don’t wear sweaters because I never get cold. I’m the best at cuddling. And I love you”

Make constant innuendos: She says, “I can only give you store credit.” You say, “I bet you’ve got a place I can store my credit.” She says, “What?”, You say, “Butt?” She says, “Excuse me?” You say, “Sex-cuse me?”

To the dressing room: “Maybe I’ll try some of these on again, tell me what you think.” So she follows you to the dressing room, you put on that striped bright green and olive green sweater, you walk out with your hair tassled and a playful smile, give your cutest shrug. Before you know it you’re pushed back into the changing room.

Do it to her: While winking at yourself in the triple mirrors. God that’s awesome.

Return her.