Staff Picks

The Throughts of Albert "Big Dawg" Feinzberg, Who Just Posted on CH.com

1:33 AM- There! Oh man, that is sooo sick. Way funnier than the usual stuff they post. I mean, it’s even funnier than the spring break picture I did of me doing that spelling-‘blood’-with-my-fingers-thing. I still can’t believe that didn’t get any likes. Some people just don’t get the complexities of irony. I wish everyone was as smart as the Big Dawg… I rule.


1:34 AM- Still not posted yet- I guess these things take time, you know? Oh man, I can’t wait until that screening dude sees it- he’s gonna die! I wonder if he’ll just move it to be a national pick right away? I bet he does. He’ll know this is qual when he sees it!





1:38 AM- Hmm, still not posted yet? I wonder when that screener dude gets to work? Is it 9-5, or 10-6? Oh, but then the time zones! I bet he works weird hours. Better stay up, just to be safe.



1:39 AM- I wonder if I get free stuff if it’s a national pick? I mean, like a t-shirt or something. Maybe a Busted Tee. Maybe I get to date the Busted Tee girl! Just messing! But I totally bet she would want to date if this becomes a national pick. That chick is hot.


1:40 AM- What if this BECOMES a Busted Tee? If that happens, I would so never need to work again- I could just live off of the royalties or something. That would be so ill. Still no postage.




The checking continues for twelve hours.


1:34 PM- HOLY $*%# IT’S POSTED!! Oh my God that is FUNNY!! I started doubting myself there around hour nine, but it truly does rock. I am so much smarter and wittier than everyone. But wait- should the Big Dawg link it to facebook or not? I think… the Big Dawg shall not. The Big Dawg doesn’t just want all his friends to just put up “likes” or whatever cause they know him- this baby deserves to blow up on its own.


1:35 PM- No comments, no likes.


1:36 PM- No comments, no likes.


1:40 PM- OH MY GOD THERE’S A COMMENT! This is soooo sick! Big Dawg is all tingly inside! Okay, and the comment is… “first.”


1:43 PM- One comment, no likes.


1:48 PM- One comment, no likes. Big Dawg’s buzz is on the decline.


1:50 PM- TWO COMMENTS AND ONE LIKE!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!! Okay, chill. And the second comment is… “haha, this is funny!” YES!! I AM A GOD AMONG MEN!! Wait- there’s more… “but I think we should bomb Israel and give that land to the radical Islamo-Facists. That way, they will stop attacking us.” Wait, what?


1:51 PM- Two comments, one like.I’m sure that guy was just joking. I mean, that’s like the worst idea ever, right? Everyone will see that. Besides, everyone will just be focusing on the sheer epic-ness of this posting that they won’t even pay attention to that guy. And anyways- this bad boy has a like. That means the Big Dawg made someone’s day that much more awesome. Now no one can say Big Dawg doesn’t give back to the world. I’m like a crazy chick-slaying-Mother Teresa or something. Man, that’s such a tight post by me…


1:53 PM- Three comments, one like. SWEET- probably someone complementing me on the tasty post. AND it’s by a chick! AND she looks kinda hot! Well, actually she’s a little chunky, but def slay-able. I knew this would help me get chicks! Big Dawg is gettin’ laid tonight! And she says: “this is a rebuttal to the previous statement,” okay, that’s not good… “i disagree with your previous posting and think that the jews do have a right to a homeland.” Okay, the Big Dawg is definitely pro-free speech and whatever, so if she wants to say that, that’s cool. Just some harmless words being exchanged, nothing too feisty: “i derive that conclusion from the bible, because the bible should be taken literally and christians are infallible. oh, and gay marriage is wrong : o )” The Big Dawg is reminded why he hates fat chicks.


1:54 PM- Seven comments, one like. Hmm. That’s a lot of commentary.


1:55 PM- Twenty-nine comments, one like.


1:56 PM- Eighty-three comments… Christ, what are these people even saying? “…and for those reasons, if you are against stem cell research, you are pro-stabbing-old-people-in-the-face.” WHAT DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG DAWG’S POST?!? You know, whatevs. At least the Big Dawg has a like.




1:57 PM- One-hundred-and-fifty-seven comments, one like.


1:59 PM- Three-hundred-ninety-nine comments, zero likes. Big Dawg is going to watch tv now. Stupid internet…

See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
uPick
Work Sucks Awful work stories See All »
Up +59 Down
Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.