Staff Picks

John Madden and Al Michaels Commentate While You Lose Your Virginity

by Ryan Kraemer on January 6, 2007

Madden: Well what we have here is obviously a mismatch. On one side we have this young kid whose experience doesn’t extend past trying to hit bathroom ceiling tiles while his opponent has been dominating the game for years. He is going to have to play some good defense if he wants to keep her offense contained, or else we might be seeing a forfeit early in the first half.

Michaels: I see what you’re saying John, but I don’t think you are giving this kid enough credit. He has been on a steady training program practicing up to five times a day. He has been mentally and physically preparing himself for this day his entire life. As for his opponent, she has been relaxed on her training program and focusing solely on each game leaving a big hole where her tight defense use to dominate. If he can focus on finding that hole without a lot of contact he might be able to, who knows, score a few times.

Madden: Well, here’s what’s going to happen. The person who came to play today with the most stamina is going to outlast the other person because stamina is the measure of how long you can last.

Michaels: Great insight, John.

Madden: And here’s the kickoff. She sends the condom to him from out of her dresser drawer…and he fumbles it!

Michaels: He recovers it however and he has the wrapper open and the condom on quickly. He isn’t going to throw this game away that quickly.

Madden: Boom! Penetration, there is the first point of contact. Watch this replay of his face the first moment he realizes he is no longer a virgin. He’s been hit so hard he doesn’t know where he is at.

Michaels: On the next play he seems to have recovered and has a look of determination. He seems to be mumbling something; can we get a close up? It’s official; he is reciting the periodic table. A nice strategy to keep his mind focused, young players often can find themselves sidelined if they get too crazy in there.

Madden: Eww! Looks like we might have had an injury on that play. Watch it again, here she is trying to make the switch from missionary to the reverse cowgirl toe tug and he just didn’t know how to handle the situation. He went the wrong way and looks to have maybe�over-extended himself a little.

Michaels: His opponent showing some nice sportsmanlike conduct and apologizes for the unnecessary roughness. They set up for the same play again and…look at this, she is laughing at him behind his back.

Madden: That is just wrong. They start the play and�it seems she has really taken over the game right here. She is really in control and you can see in his face that he knows his defense is breaking down. Could this be the game?

Michaels: Do you believe in miracles!? YES!!! His toes are curling! That is it! Game over! Look at the disappointment on her face. Our poor rookie takes to the bathroom to clean himself up.