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Dan Gurewitch

Clarissa Explains It All: Detroit

by Dan Gurewitch on


Clarissa: Ugh, two tests tomorrow and I haven’t done any of my chores. What am I gonna do?

A ladder is set against her window.

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (Guitar riff!)
Thief: Where’s your money?
Clarissa: Who are you?
Thief: I’m a guy who saw an open window and a ladder, and has three sons to feed.
Clarissa: I only get twelve dollars allowance!

Knocks

Clarissa: Ugh, buzz off, Ferg Face!
Ferguson: (entering) Give me back the computer game you borro-

Gunshot

Ferguson: You shot me in the knees!
Thief: (leaving) Was it me? Or was it our f***ed up society?

Ladder

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (Guitar riff!)
Murderer: Sam is dead. I’m a serial killer that preys on innocence and naivete. Between the open window and the ladder, it’s like you stepped out of one of my dark, twisted dreams.

Knocks

Clarissa: Not now, Mom. Ugh!
Marshall and Janet Darling: (entering) We heard a racket and thought –

The murderer shoots Mr. Darling in the head. He tosses a second gun to Ferguson.

Murderer: Execute your mother, and I’ll spare you.
Ferguson: (crying) I can’t do it!

The murderer shoots Ferguson and Mrs. Darling, then leaves.

Clarissa: Ugh, now my bed is so gross.

Ladder

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (Guitar riff!)
Sam: Hey.
Clarissa: I thought you were dead?
Sam: I’m bleeding out. I’ve only got a few minutes left. Hide this blow over there in the sandbox with the baby alligator.

Ladder

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (Guitar riff!)
Sam: I’m already here. That’s a rapist.
Rapist: Even a screen would have bought you some time.

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Dan Gurewitch

Dan Gurewitch

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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.