Jake Explains It All

Welcome back to school. Welcome back to mini fridges and microwaves, bunked beds and shower sandals. Welcome back to brittle toilet paper and scrounging up change Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets. But most importantly, welcome back to the never ending stream of ass at your disposal, if you look in the right places. Let’s get started right away, you’re on the shuttle bus going back to your dorm, the driver is a woman.

Make eye contact: Meeting your prospective mate’s eyes is one of the most important moves you can make. Eye contact shows the woman you’re not only interested, but confident. Now, this slut is driving a bus, so you’ll probably have to stick your face right in front of hers to get her to notice you. Go for it.

Sing: Everyone knows that bus driver’s love to hear driving songs like “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” or “The Song That Never Ends” but you’re a romantic. Plus you have an amazing voice if you just sing loud enough. Try singing Brian McKnight’s “Back at One”. While doing this, it’s crucial to remember to rub yourself seductively.

Stop Frequently: Hit the “Stop Request” button often. When she stops driving and looks back at you just say something like, “Just testing you. You’re good.”

Make your move: At the last stop rise slowly out of your seat. Saunter down the aisle and pause at the door. Turn to her and say this: “Thank you so much, babe. But I hope that’s not the only ride I’m going on today.” With that, pull the door lever and close the bus doors. Now lean in, and kiss.

Bend that bitch over the steering wheel: Next stop, Premature Ejaculation-Ville.