What you tell your parentsÂ...

Since many college students, at one point or another during their college career, return home for a long break (Christmas/Summer/Suspension), they suddenly become accountable to two individuals they are living with. Although you are somewhat responsible to roommates, you can more easily pass off the puddle of vomit and domino’s pizza at college. Here is a translation of what a college student says to his parents about a night of drinking and what really happened.

Mother: Hey Jimmy, it is 1:30 in the afternoon, why are you waking-up so late? Long night?

Son: Well, I went out last night with the guys. – (That fact is true)

Mother: Oh, where’d you go?

Son: We went to a few bars downtown and then just chilled at Bob’s when it started to get late. – (We were going to stay at the Irish Pub, but Tom got mouthy and got us all tossed. Then we went to that dive by the University, the Purple Tortilla, but I got into a fight. After Jed was finished throwing-up in the bathroom, we went down to the Killinan’s just in time for last call. Then we went to Bob’s around three and ordered some pizza.)

Mother: Oh, that sounds like fun. Did you see any of your old friends?

Son: Yea, I ran into some old high school buddies of mine like Frank. It was good to see him. – (I wound up running into Frank at the Purple Tortilla and told him what a dickwad he was in front of his girlfriend. That’s right about the time that Frank decided my face needed some remodeling, so he hauled off and punched me. I tried to hit him, but ended up awkwardly missing and nailing my head off the bar.)

Mother: Oh Frank, remember to tell him I said “hi.” Did you meet any girls?

Son: A couple, but they were kind of lame so we left them at the bar. – (I met some girl whose name was Starla or something. She seemed cool, except she totally ignored me. When I went to get her number, the bitch told me to “go to hell.” Probably because I didn’t get a good look at her face – I was fixated on her massive breasts. Damn whore.)

Mother: Oh, that’s nice. Anything else interesting happen and how did you get home?

Son: Not really, just came back here. Adam gave me a ride. I’m really tired. (I forgot to mention the near arrest and the fact that I took a massive dump in a newspaper dispenser. Oh, yea, I nearly omitted the fact that Bob’s girlfriend brought her sister over. While Bob was busy, I hooked-up with the sister. Everything was cool until I went to get the condom – she claimed she wanted to wait. I asked for when and she said her “Sophomore Semi next year.” I promptly exited the apartment and trekked the 2 miles home. Girls need to be more forward about their age. I am getting too old for this shit.)

Mother: Oh, well, have a nice day honey, I have to go to the grocery store.

Son: What did you and dad do last night?

Mother: We just went to dinner and watched a movie. – (We got loaded at this Italian place and came back here. Once we realized you were gone, we had sex in the kitchen, on the very stool you are sitting on. Then we went upstairs and boned until I heard you coming in around 4am.)