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Amir Blumenfeld

Negotiations 101b

by Amir Blumenfeld on


Professor: All right, I know I’ve been referencing the final exam for a while now, not telling you exactly what it is. But today I’m finally going to explain to everybody how the final works in this class.

Brian: Yeah! Tell us!

Professor: Brian, leave.

(Brian Exits)

Professor: All right. The rest of you are finally ready to know. The final in this class, is to convince me what grade you deserve on it. This is, after all, negotiations class!

(Class is silent. Stunned. Confused. Excited.)

Professor: That’s right. No questions, no answers. Just convince me of what grade you want, and we will negotiate your final score. You vs. Me. It will be worth 65% of your grade.

(Professor bites his lower lip and raises his eyebrows, knowing that he’s really cool for thinking of such an experimental concept.)

Four Weeks Later — Finals Time

Professor: Rach! Come on in, its your turn!

(Rachel Enters)

Professor: Okay Rach. Shoot. Whadyou think you deserve on this final? Remember: there are no wrong answers.

Rachel: An A.

Professor: You fail. Next! Brian!

(Brian enters.)

Rachel: Minus! An A-Minus!

Professor: Brian, leave.

(Brian exits.)

Professor: I’m listening…

Rachel: Because I’ve been doing pretty well in class but I could have participated more.

Professor: Weak argument. C-. Have a great summer.

Rachel: C+.

Professor: Great counter offer. B+. See you in the fall. Bye.

Rachel: Awesome!

Professor: You reek of desperation. F. Leave. Goodbye. Should have taken the C.

Rachel: But—

Professor: A+. I love it. I’m so proud of you.

Rachel: Are you even—

Professor: B-, and that’s if you leave right now. Right this second.

Rachel: Are you just rolling a die?

Professor: …each number has a corresponding letter.

Rachel: I’m leaving.

Professor (rolling a five): Congrats, Rachel. E+. Call in Brian. He’s next.

(Rachel leaves, confused, almost crying. Brian scoots in the door sideways past her)

Brian: Coast is still clear.

Professor: Great. I’m gonna kick you out again when the next person comes, just make sure no other teachers see this. Nobody gets my teaching style, Brian. Nobody can see me doing this.

Brian: You can count on me, professor.

Professor: I owe you big time man.

Brian: Just give me an A- and we’ll call it a day.

Professor: E+. And you have to stand guard during next semester’s finals too.

Brian: Deal.

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Amir Blumenfeld

Amir Blumenfeld

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I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.