Staff Picks

College Summaries

by Dean on August 17, 2007

College is starting again soon. Do you know what to expect? Here is a very pithy guide to a few schools.

College/University	What to expect
University of Idaho	Crippling loneliness, outdated Napoleon Dynamite quotes
University of South Alabama	Tobaccy, bayou monsters
University of Chicago	Snow, Da motherf*uckin’ Bears !!!!!
University of San Diego	Nachos, illegal immigrants
Penn State (Main Campus)	Joe Paterno statues, Joe Paterno
University of California, Santa Barbara	Sunshine, sexual heeeeealing
University of Santa Fe	Abundance of fascinating Native American culture, hash pipes
DeVry University	Dental assistants, that one uncle of yours
Kansas State University	Wheat, munchkins
Oral Roberts University	Bad BJ jokes, No BJs
University of Wisconsin	Cheese wheels, Bears fans!!!!!!
University of the Virgin Islands	Awwwww yeeeaaah!
Bob Jones University	Salvation, urge to commit suicide
American University	Traffic, “Dude, like the whole government is behind 9/11. Wake up!!!”
Lancaster Bible College	Structurally efficient dorms, Amish
Golden Gate University	Make-up artists, homosexuals
University of North Carolina	Air Jordan sneakers, NBA scouts
University of Tennessee	Fantastically-shaped bongs, foobawl!!!
University of Wyoming	Quails, Dick Cheney
University of Colorado	Ski lifts, “Sunshiiiiine…on my shulderrrrrs …makes me happyyyyy …”
Transylvania University	Annoying vampire jokes, annoying transsexual jokes
The College of New Jersey	Easy wimmins, wise guys
University of Texas	Inner thigh chafe, horseshoes
University of Miami	Sunburn, boobies!!!!!!!!!!!