Back to School Tips

Ah, the summer. All sun and games. No responsibility and no school. By now you’re probably already sick of your parents and your job as a camp counselor which is lucky for you, because school is just around the corner. And now that summer is coming to an end, here are some tips to make your transition back as smooth as possible.

1. What better way to end the summer than with a party? Throw a nice big going away bash for yourself and invite the 3 remaining high school friends that still live in your hometown. Maybe this will be the last hoorah before you unceremoniously lose touch. You can only hope.

2. Eat as many home-cooked meals as you can. Sure, Chalupas are awesome, but do yourself a favor and hold off on the Taco Bell for another week. You’ll be glad you did when you realize you won’t be having mom’s pot roast again until Thanksgiving break.

3. Don’t take your tan for granted because in 3 weeks it will have faded. Some things you can do to extend your tan’s life include: playing volleyball, swimming or running in the afternoons. Since none of that is going to happen, you’ll just have to be prepared to return to your standard shade of milky white.

4. Delete your summer fling’s number from your phone. Lets be honest, you don’t really want to hear from her and she doesn’t really want to hear from you. You have nothing in common except sex on the beach and now there’s no beach and you’re too far away to have sex.

5. Your classes are going to suck like they do every semester no matter how excited you are about Human Sexuality. If you already have low expectations, you can’t be disappointed.

6. Sleeping is always better than going to class. Make sure to schedule the classes you can skip around the same time you’ll be needing a nap every day. A little planning goes a long way. You’ll remember this when you’re sleeping through Psychology 101 the day after your 21st birthday party.

7. There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to hate your new roommate. When the shit hits the fan, don’t get bent out of shape over it. Just drop his toothbrush in the toilet and you’ll feel better. That’s what he gets for thinking he can eat all your turkey, that bastard.

8. Keep your toothbrush and utensils under lock and key because he’s going to want payback. Your loofah too.

9. And finally, and most importantly, caffeine reduces the chance of liver damage after a night of heavy drinking.* So, bottoms up!

And with that I leave you. If you’re wise enough to remember these, you will surely have an awesome semester. Chug! Chug! Chug!

*This is not proven by any experts, medical or otherwise. In all honesty, it’s probably completely untrue.