Blogger's Blasphemous Rants

I started reading the bible yesterday. Random, I know, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. And I gotta say, that is one crafty piece of literature, a little convoluted at times, but mostly really fun. Anyway I wanna take a moment to talk a little bit about god. I’m not very religious but I guess, occasionally, I have faith. And I’ve always thought of god (when i do think of him) as being a forgiving, merciful all knowing entity. Dude, I was wrong. God is a fucking prick and he does not play. I now picture god as Samuel Jackson, smiting people left and right, making it rain sulfur and fire as he pleases. Apparently, this man is not impervious to the seven deadly sins and since he can’t exactly get laid, he’s a little trigger happy. I thought I knew the story of Noah’s ark. Apparently, I had missed the fact that the reason he told Noah to build an ark in the first place was because he was pissed at everyone and he planned to drown them all. These are not the actions of someone noble or kind; they’re not even really the actions of somebody sane. It’s no wonder good Christian folk fear god. If I had known his true colors all along, I’d be fucking freaked too. He’s gonna kick down my door, make me barren and make it rain fire on them hoes (and other sinners)!

And now I’m thinking, all those times that I had a bad day and I thought jokingly, “God hates me.” It’s probably true. And it’s not just me, he hates all of us! But maybe not, maybe I haven’t gotten to the part in the bible where he becomes a reformed sinner.

In related musings, people will believe anything. All things considered, if you have to base centuries of religious persecution and war on anything, I guess the bible is a pretty good contender. If nothing else, for sheer intricacy. At least it’s not whatever fantasy book Scientology was based on, but still, not something humanity should be proud of. I’m willing to bet my life that in a couple thousand years, Harry Potter will have spawned a religion. God knows there are plenty of assholes now who think Hogwarts really exists. And thanks to the power of the internet, I’m here to tell the people of the future, that witchcraft and wizardry is not real. If you’re living in the year 3575 and you’re praying to Potter every night, you need to kill yourself.

In even more related thoughts, I totally need to start my own religion. I just have to write a witty fable and people will be sacrificing delicious animals to me in no time. Mmh, ribs.

Fuck! I just ran out of ink and I have a paper due in 3 hours! God hates me.