Life After College

Alcohol tolerance is at an all time low and you haven’t had sex in months. You live in your parents’ basement and hate your life. Fortunately, the start of a new semester saves college students across the country from this miserable life. Shitty summer internships are finally over and binge drinking and questionable sexual decisions are back. Life is good. EXCEPT IF YOU GRADUATED.

While your friends pack their cars for another semester, you have work on Monday. Your life is pathetic. You sleep under an old De-Generation X poster you got at Monday Night Raw when you were 12. You hate your job and don’t have a friend within 100 miles. Graduating in four years was the worst decision you ever made. Lets take a look at some differences between your life and your friends at school.

Sex Life: Your friends have threesomes with insecure freshmen looking for older guys to buy them beer and experiment with. You jerk off to the threesome scene in “Wild Things.”

Society: Society calls your friends drinking all day “pre-gaming.” Society calls you drinking all day “alcoholism.”

Weekends: Your friends buy cases of Natty Light on Saturday Mornings and appear on ESPN’s “College Gameday.” You buy cases of Natty Light on Saturday Mornings and appear on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.”

Happy Hours: Your friends black out and wake up the next morning next to fat chicks. You black out and go into work the next morning with a Sexual Harassment law-suit waiting at your desk.

Roommates: Your friends come home from class and casually watch porn on the big screen in their apartment. You come home from work early and find your parents casually having sex in the living room.

Welcome to the Real World. Retirement is only 40 years away.