Slacker
By Vince Eckert

I’ve been a slacker my whole life. It’s okay.

Elementary School
Me: I’m precociously indifferent.
Teacher: What a great vocabulary!
Me: I only know two big words.
Teacher: Only two? Don’t you want to learn more?
Me: No, not really.

Middle School
Speech Therapist: Repeat after me: I will yearn to learn.
Me: Owl yarn-
Therapist: No! I told you to practice this.
Me: But I can’t understand you.

High School
Tom: You want to blaze with us after school?
Me: No, I have to go home and sit down.
Tom: Blaze is a word which here means smoke marijuana, not be on fire.
Me: Oh. So we’ll be sitting?

Work
Boss: We have a problem. A morale problem.
Me: Believe me, I haven’t been doing anything to contribute.
Boss: Wow, that’s a load off my mind. I was about to fire you.

Marriage
Cindy: With this ring, I thee wed.
Me: I don’t really feel like doing this.
Cindy: You just have to put the ring on my finger. That’s all.
Me: And then you’ll want me to kiss you. It never ends.

Death
Jane: Ugh, what’s that horrible smell?
Hank: That’s Dad. He died a couple days ago.
Jane: You won’t even move his body?
Hank: No. He would’ve wanted it that way.