Things to Take With You to College

1. Lots of socks and underwear. Laundry sucks, and these are the things you run out of first. Plus, every organization at college gives away crappy T-shirts; nobody’s ever handing out socks.

2. A bottle of liquor that mixes well with soda. The first night of school, everyone wants a drink, but nobody has older friends or the balls to use a fake ID. Bam! You’ve got liquid popularity. Plus, you can usually convince your dad to buy it for you now that you’re a man.

3. A filing box. It sounds nerdy, but get one of these suckers and some hanging file folders. It costs ten bucks, keeps your desk neat, and keeps you from losing things in the fetid squalor of your room.

4. A small, basic tool kit. Nothing fancy, just a hammer, screwdrivers, dual bevel sliding compound miter saw with dual vertical rail guides and linear ball bearings, etc. Assemble furniture! Impress your friends!

5. A good desk chair. Your school’s dorms will have flame-retardant desk chairs with names like the Spine Mangler that can be credited for their deft retarding of flames, but think about it like this: most of your time spent studying/IMing/downloading porn will be in your desk chair. Your ass will thank you.

6. Pedialyte Freezer Pops. You’re going to use your newfound freedom to party way too hard in your first week or two. These are great hangover-busters because they taste good and rehydrate you quickly.

7. A bedspread that won’t match your roommate’s. If you’re guys, there’s no way to pull off matching bedspreads without looking gay. Yes, really.

8. Surge protectors/power strips. The typical college dorm room has roughly forty-seven things that need to be plugged in and exactly two wall outlets.

9. A big mug. The most important dish you’ll own in college. Ideally, it will fit at least two beers or a big rum and Coke for pregaming before parties, and it’s also big enough to hold ramen and Easy Mac.

10. Enough toiletries to last all semester. You probably don’t know this now, but deodorant, shampoo, razor blades, etc., cost real money. Buy them on your parents’ dime instead of your own.