Love Letter to Mary Jane by a Guy Who Slowly Realizes He's Writing a Love Letter to Kirsten Dunst

Dear Mary Jane,

It’s been a long time since I last saw you at the Spiderman 3 opening. You looked so different then, it was almost like you were a different person altogether. Still, you looked beautiful. My big question is: what’s wrong with “Peter” (you know who)? He seemed so distant from you, and it made me angry to see you snubbed like that.

I would never do that to you, Mary Jane.

Remember the days when everybody fought over you? Brock, Peter, that little Chinese kid with the lopsided head… Everybody wanted a piece. But you were so coy, weren’t you? Yep, you just brushed it all off and went about your merry way. I always respected you for that.

The thing is, these days you’re looking a little rough. Maybe it was the transition from comic to film that did it, I don’t really know. Either way, what was once startling beauty is now kind of just… startling.

Did you ever see the Mario Brothers movie? Remember the Goombas? Well, whenever you smile, I expect Dennis Hopper to appear out of nowhere and start giving you orders. I know it seems cruel of me to say that, and I’m sorry. But it’s my love for you that makes me want to be totally honest with you about everything.

Having said that, I also have to say that your once-perky breasts are beginning to seem a bit… pointy, I guess. Like in National Geographic, but not as tantalizing. And your face, well, let’s just say you’re looking an awful…

lot…

like…

Oh fuck.