Entry-Level Jobs

The most important thing to realize in a job search after college is that you don’t know shit. Hiring managers couldn’t care less about your two internships serving coffee, fetching dry-cleaning, and sucking corporate dick. Nor do they care that you volunteered at a soup kitchen over the holidays. That just means your family doesn’t like you and you enjoy free food. So unless your last name is Hilton or you’re hung like Dirk Diggler, the depressing reality is first jobs suck.

The term “entry-level” is synonymous with bitch. Basically, you’re an intern that doesn’t go back to school at the end of the summer. Before choosing a career, please take a behind the scenes look at the following entry-level jobs.

Sales: After selling encyclopedias in North Dakota for six months, top earners get promoted to selling steak knives in Montana. Middle Management goes door to door selling magazine subscriptions hoping for a free Spring Break.

Non-profit: Working long hours with little to show in an effort to change the world, you’ll run into these people on the weekend as either your waiter or bartender. Be sure to tip them well because they need the bus fare.

Law Firm: With dreams of wealth and power, the extent of their legal experience is watching “Judge Judy” re-runs during a lunch break on the local Channel 5 affiliate.

Teacher: Petitioning their local senator to reduce the age for statutory rape, the only stress in this job is wondering if Chris Hansen will be next in line at parent-teacher conferences.

Civil Servant: Working for the government and living with their parents, they are on the same career track as our current president.

Politics: Driving around town in a 1989 Toyota Celica still featuring their parents’ “Bush/Quayle” bumper sticker, the only political race they have a chance to run for is Local School Committee.

Consulting: Unless you enjoy working long hours and piling up more debt pursuing an M.B.A., I “consult” you to search for a new career or find a weekly painkiller subscription.

Peace Corps: Smoking weed and wandering around third world countries for two years, they are sure to run into Dave Chappelle eventually.

Happy job-hunting. Remember it’s never to late to switch careers.