House specialty: Pint of Guinness, bare-knuckle boxing (sometimes against a kangaroo)
Clientele: Upper-middle-class white college students, Irishmen, balding thirty-somethings who like to tell the other guys in the mail room how many college chicks they talk to, guys who know Golden Tee is great when you want to go to a bar and not talk to women
Unfortunately: To the Irish, the drink name “Irish Car Bomb” is about as clever as sucking down a “Your Mom Has Terminal Cancer” on the rocks
House specialty: Anything in a can, including tuna
Clientele: Blue-collar industrial workers college students look down at, college kids trying to get drunk cheaply before moving on to a better bar
Unfortunately: Pretty much anyone in the bar can kick your ass while remaining seated.
House specialty: Pretentious conversation, voting Republican
Clientele: People with name-brand undershirts that match their socks
Unfortunately: You’re not rich, and trying to pay for those drinks with chocolate gold coins isn’t fooling anyone.
House specialty: Making you realize you’re not a very good dancer
Clientele: Girls who don’t like to wear much clothing, and the hair-gelled men who love them
Unfortunately: The floors get pretty slippery when ballers dump Cristal on them; dancing is only fun for the 3 percent of the population that’s good at it.
House specialty: Pitchers of anything light, classmate waitresses that get increasingly attractive as the night progresses
Clientele: Boys heading out to watch the game, girls who feign interest in sports to curry boys’ attention
Unfortunately: No matter where you go, you meet a Yankees fan.