Impressing Your Friends From Home

Truth: “I attended a very large party at my school where alcohol was served.”
Inflation: “I was at a kegger—you know, just a regular kegger like we have every night—and there was this old guy there. I asked him what he was doing, and he goes, ‘I’m from the Guinness Book of World Records. You guys just made it for partying the hardest.’”

Truth: “The Princeton Review rates my school’s food as ‘very poor.’”
Inflation: “The FDA had to come to our cafeteria with biohazard suits because someone spilled a cup of soup. Scientists called it ’more dangerous than a category-five hurricane.’ Their words, not mine.”

Truth: “My fraternity hazing ritual was bad, but I was able to complete it.”
Inflation: “I talked to one of the older brothers after I was in, and he said that our hazing was the worst he’d ever seen. So I called about forty other chapters around the country, and they all agreed. I wasn’t allowed to eat for a month.”

Truth: “My school is locally known as a fun place to be.”
Inflation: “Playboy won’t even consider ranking my school on the biggest party school list because it would win every year. . . . That’s why it’s not on there.”

Truth: “This semester I was single but sexually active.”
Inflation: “I had so much sex this semester I had to go to the health center. They claimed I wasn’t sick; my genitals were merely exhausted.”

Truth: “I experimented with drugs this semester.”
Inflation: “I was legally dead for three minutes. When I came back to life, the doctor was like, ‘You did so much coke, I’m not even gonna call the cops. That’s how impressed I am by you.’”