In order to actually “get” a girl one must engage in an elaborate charade of absurd tricks and maneuvers in order to finally get your faces close enough to either kiss or have her push you away and go laugh about That-Weird-Guy-Who-Tried-to-Kiss-Her-With-His-Tongue-Already-Out to her friends. Sorry. Girls are mean and dumb. As a consolation, though, in honor of Orientation Week, I’m going to betray my gender and give some true (really, these aren’t jokes), comprehensive ways to get a girl in the 5 main locations on campus: the library, the dining hall, a party, your hall, and in class. Good luck.

How to Get a Girl in a Library:

The library is predominantly a quiet place, as you may have heard. So, picking up girls while they are trying to study quietly can be a little tricky. Here’s how to do it:

1. Catch her eye, hold for a moment too long, then sheepishly look away.

2. If you glance up again and see that she’s smiling just a little to herself, you’re in. But still, you have to seal the deal.

3. About 10 minutes after the first glance, type extremely loudly and intensely for a moment (or, if you have a book, rifle through pages quickly and push the book a little bit away), exhale loudly in frustration, then, when your girl looks up, meet her eye, and cutely do a shoulder shrug/eye-roll/smile combination. If she laughs, you’re allowed to start a conversation.

4. Now it’s time to pass a note. 8th Grade style. Rip off a corner of paper, she’s going to look up at the sound of the tear, but don’t look at her, just smile to yourself as you write on the paper, “What are you working on?” Then roll up the paper in a little ball and roll it to your girl. (Don’t flick or throw it. Trust me, go with the roll. So you might not want to pick a girl who’s really far away.)

5. Keep the conversation going until you both leave together or, if it looks like she might actually have work to do and you kind of want to go, your final note should be, “It was really nice to meet you, but I have to get some sleep. Will I see you here again this time tomorrow?” Then finish it with a reference to something cute she said during the past conversation i.e. “I promise to make sure that smelly guy on your left doesn’t sit next to you again.” There is no way she won’t show. Unless you draw a smiley face on any of the notes. Seriously, you’re allowed to be a nice guy, but dude, be a man.