My Vacation, By Your Dickhead Professor

Over winter recess I visited Florida with my wife, Michelle and her mother, Estelle. On a scale of one to ten I unfortunately have no choice but to give this vacation a one and a half.  I’m disappointed to say that the vacation, and Florida as a whole, lacked in originality.  I felt like I had been on this vacation dozens of times before.

The accommodations at the Days Inn, regrettably, were nowhere near those described in the brochure.  Inconsistiencies like that will cost you points in my life.  For starters, the complimentary shampoo lasted only two showers and the Hotel staff never replaced it, despite my persistent requests. In addition, the bathtub was not nearly big enough to allow Michelle to wash her mother, who needs to take two baths a day due to a skin condition. I know I asked for a newspaper, but is the Orlando Sentinel really a valid source? Our towels were not large enough, soft enough or white enough. The bagels at the complimentary continental breakfast were abysmal, to say the least.  The entire hotel was based on an unclear, flawed premise!

As a state, Florida is -at best- unimpressive. The humidity, aside from being a major discomfort for Michelle, turned Estelle into a sweating, lethargic, disgusting presence. There were days I thought she would die from heat exhaustion.  In my eyes, you cannot expect a kind assessment when your first act as a state is to create a damp semicircle of perspiration underneath my mother-in-law’s breasts.

The Atlantic is a poor excuse for an Ocean, but since Florida is not solely responsible for said ocean this will not count against it in my evaluation. The sand in Florida has a lot of potential to be good sand. But it doesn’t put in nearly enough effort.

Michelle was a disappointment as a friend, lover and spouse. Topics of conversation were typically trivial, regarding reality television and gossip about the neighbors.  Completely uninspired in every way.   Also, everything we said had to be repeated over and over very loudly in order for Estelle, who added nothing, to hear it. In bed Michelle was rigid and unadventurous, always nervous that we would wake her mother by the slightest rustle of the sheets. 

Neither flight deserves more than a 1 out of 10. My ginger ale was far too carbonated on the first flight, and on our return flight my glass was almost ENTIRELY ice cubes. On the flight down we had a lay over in Charlotte, which was less than mediocre., where we ate at Chik-Fil-A, which was worse than the one in the student center. We did watch Hitch on the return flight, which I gave a 4 out of 10, despite the fact that I think Will Smith is unnecessarily loud and obnoxious.  Being disruptive will harm your score without question. 

All in all, my vacation lacked any semblance of relaxation or entertainment – A true waste of my time. My marriage, my mother in law, the state of Florida, Charlotte Airport and United Airways, all fail.