Fast food restaurant. Day.
CASHIER: Next, please.
FRANK: (Pulls out a gun and points it at the cashier.) All right, this is a stick-up! Empty the drawers! Empty the freaking drawers!
(The doors fly open. Enter THE CRITICIZER.The Criticizer is a middle aged woman wearing a cardigan with cats on it.)
CASHIER: It’s The Criticizer! We’re saved.
CRITICIZER: Put the gun down. You 're doing this all wrong.
FRANK: (Points the gun at Criticizer.) Hey! What’re you doing? Get down on the floor.
CRITICIZER: First of all: a McDonald's? Who robs a McDonald's? Were you running low on McNuggets? There is literally a bank right next door.
FRANK: Who do you think you are?
CRITICIZER: Excuse me, am I mistaken or you leave your name tag from Wal-Mart on your shirt? Frank? What kind of name is Frank for a robber? I could’ve taken Q-Dog or Ice or something cool like that, but Frank?
FRANK: Shut you mouth and kiss the floor!
CRITICIZER: Is that really the best you can do? Honestly, I’m not that scared. Maybe if you put more emphasis on the floor. Or maybe you could use the f-word. That might be nice. Do you want to try that?
FRANK: What the fuck are you talking about lady!
CRITICIZER: No, that’s not it. I don’t know, maybe it’s not the words. You know, the way you hold your gun… it’s really feminine.
CRITICIZER: Very feminine, you look like one of those nice boys on Bravo.
FRANK: No, I don’t!
CRITICIZER: Whoa, touched a sore-spot. (Singsong) Ba-by!
FRANK: I’m not a baby; you’re a baby!
CRITICIZER: You have misshapen ears.
FRANK: What? (Feels ears) No I don’t!
CRITICIZER: Your right one is lower… and they do this droopy thing. They look like someone nailed two gobs of silly putty at either side of your head.
FRANK: Shut up before I blow a hole in your face.
CRITICIZER: I’m still not feeling the aggression. Have you thought of doing something else for a living, something that fits your personality; like a hairdresser or something?
FRANK: Shut up!
CRITICIZER: Oh! Just look at those small hands! They’re like a baby’s! Little hobbit hands! That’s so cute! Where’s the ring! Where’s the ring!
FRANK: My hands are normal.
CRITICIZER: (Gollum voice.) My Precious!
FRANK: Stop it!
CRITICIZER: You know what they say about small hands? Well, course you do, you’ve been hearing it from women all your life.
FRANK: Please, just be cool. Stop.
CRITICIZER: And you never applied yourself, I’m very disappointed in you.
FRANK: (Drops gun and starts crying. The Criticizer handcuffs Frank and leads him out the door.) Mom?