"You Will Hate Your Roommate" by Alex Branson

It's best to just come right out and say it. Either from too much World of Warcraft, pot, beer or blow your old roommate's left on gone for greener (Community College) pastures. So guess what? They are sending a new guy. And regardless of who you are, who he is, or what social skills (or lack thereof) you have, one thing will be certain; you will hate him. Oh, and also he will masterbate everytime you leave the room. Trust me, it's just a gut feeling. Well, it's either a feeling or I have diarhhea. It's definately rumbling down there. Either, way we are going to have a good time, right? If there is one thing I'm good at, it is stereotyping groups of people. If there are two things I'm good at, it's that and writing reviews of hardcore pornography on amazon.com! I've been called the Gene Siskel of fisting pornography!

MEET YOUR ROOMMATE

JAPAN IS A GREAT CULTURE, MOSTLY BECAUSE ASIAN CHICKS GIVE ME BONERS

    Hey, I'm Glen, you're new roommate. Ugh, I don't know why I even bother going here with the rest of these sheeple. Japan is such a superior culture in every sense of the word. Here, let me put up faggy looking wall scrolls all over the room so every woman you ever bring in here will be thumbing a can of mace the entire time. Do you want to watch Dragonball Z? Heh, why do I even bother asking. Of course you do. I have to go out for a wild night of dry-humping fat chicks with back acne until I come home to go to bed at 10 o'clock. And don't you even think of touching my mangas unless you dare to cross my HANZO STEEL.

ABE-BROHAM LINCOLN/ BROSEF STALIN/ BROSEF OF ARAMATHEA
    Hey dude, what's up. Name's Ted. My parents wouldn't let me move into the frat because of my grades so I got to spend another shitty semester in the dorms. Don't worry man, I won't be here much, I got frat shit to deal with. Uh, those? That rophynol shit is just a joke. Don't worry man, I'm going home for the weekend. Wait, what? You're little sister is coming to visit? About going home, I think something just came up. My dick.

RIPPED MCLARGEHUGE
    Hey, how are you doing? My name is Ben. Dude, you seem like a real cool dude and all, but I got a problem. We are going to have to move your bed in the hall so I can fit in my bowflex. I got to train hard man, my dad told me if I didn't make walkon he would swing a two by four with a nail in it into my kneecap and cut off one of my fingers, just like when he lost one in Vietnam. Sometimes when you walk into the room you will hear me abruptly stop crying and if you ask me about it I will somehow insinuate that you are gay. Cause man, you totally are.

SIR REGINALD BYRON, LORD OF PLUS 2 SWORDS AND LONELINESS
    Good day, roommate. Could you please help me move in my high-end gaming computer with liquid cooling. Haha, it's okay to be impressed. You better get used to this, I'll be staying up until 5 o'clock in the morning everyday yelling at the fictional people on my computer. I'll only take breaks to post witty comments on obscure fantasy forums you have never heard of and to watch Lord of the Rings, saying all the lines and doing all the moves with them. I tell you, if I was born in Middle-Earth, I would totally be like Aragorn. Well, if Aragorn had an overbearing mother and enough acne to make even a natural 20 dice roll fail a persuasion check! ROFLAMFIO! So what are you guys doing later? Can I come?

I WILL NEVER SAY A WORD TO YOU. EVER.
    You will never here me so much as utter a word. I do not laugh or smile. If you hear breathing over your head in the middle of the night, it is I. Do not worry, I have only come to reap your soul. I will require thousands of spirits in order to fuel my dark order. I do not see you as a friend. I barely see you as a human being. I am neither annoyed or subtlely charmed when you stammer home drunk at 5 in the morning. In the middle of the night, I will start masterbating so furiously that it sounds like a fleet of helicopters landing.

I'll talk to your sister though. I'll ask her her favorite bands. You think that will work?

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