Five people you meet on a Train

Riding the train to work every morning is like being casted on a “Blind Date” episode, excluding the hot tub scenes and Robert Lodge’s commentary. Each morning, you are confronted with a different cast of characters and you never know what you’re going to get. Here’s a description of the five types of people you are most likely to run into on your commute to corporate hell.

“The Obese Woman”: Weighing in at over 300 pounds and wearing a different color “mumu” everyday, she strikes more fear in the hearts of the everyday commuter than a tractor-trailer pile up during rush hour. Always scanning the train for an empty seat, she desperately searches for her next victim. A collective groan arises from passengers as she waddles down the train aisles and if you listen closely, you can hear the whimpers of grown men crying. As you try your best to cover up the open seat next to you, she makes eye contact with you and you instantly know you’re fucked. All you can do is close your eyes and prey that it will be over soon enough. Sweat dripping down from her red face and out of breath, her fat ass crushes you into the fetal position at the edge of your seat. Paralyzed with the fear of death, you have the sympathy and pity of hundreds of strangers around you. Only seven more stops to go.

“Senior Citizen”: You didn’t think it was possible for someone 137-years-old to not be retired. Looking like death is going to overtake him with every step; he slowly limps onto the train with Cain in hand. He inches towards you with what appears to be a smile, but in reality is the grimacing of pain. After what seems like hours of agonizing torture, he finally settles into the seat next to you. Feeling sorry for this lonely old man, you turn to start conversation, but discover he is already sound asleep, mouth open, and drool running down his face.

“Ugly Girl on Cell Phone”: If wanting to “hate-fuck” this bitch was considered patriotic, you would be Pat Tilman. You soon find out through her phone conversation that she is on her period and that her boyfriend cheated on her. She wears a bright, tight tank-top with her gut bulging out, and you have a front row view of her matching thong. All you want to do is read the tabloids in your free morning paper, but keep getting distracted from her “Big Girls Don’t Cry” ringtone.

“Metrosexual”: Even at 7 a.m. on Monday Morning, he looks like he’s going to a Saturday night bar crawl. He slowly sips on a Starbucks latte as he looks at the reflection of his freshly gelled hair and perfectly groomed stubble in the window. His designer jeans are painted on and he thinks he’s so fucking clever with his “I love Cougars” t-shirt. If you listen closely, you can hear him humming the latest “Fall Out Boy” single as he rocks his head back and forth to his iPod nano.

“Japanese Tourists”: Equipped with a fully charged digital camera and designer eyeglasses, they are by far the happiest passengers on the train. Although you’re not exactly sure what they’re talking about, you know it has something to do with the Justin Timberlake billboard as they point and giggle. Never certain on where they are going and always carrying a map, they always have the time to pose for a photo shoot and curiously stop by every trendy clothing store they walk by.